La Diva de la Telephono Blanco

2005-11-15T16:42:00.000-08:00

I'm ending this blog which should have correctly been entitled "The Blog of Unrequited Love", as that seems to have been the recurring theme. I'm ending this blog, as this chapter of my life has come to an end.

From now on, I'm only accepting requited love into my life, and am certain that I will be much happier!

I still believe that we are responsible for our own lives. That each decision we make in each moment has an impact on our life. In the end, how good or bad our life has been depends on the decisions we made in a thousand different moments. Nothing is in stone. We can change the direction of our lives at any moment. We can always make a different choice.

Happiness is a choice. Pain is a choice. Depression is a choice. We control our thoughts, and our thoughts control our emotions, and our actions. If we allow our base nature to lead us, it will lead us down a very dark path. But if our higher thoughts control us, then it will lead us down a path to happiness and fulfillment.

Where my life will go from here, I don't really know. I have many dreams that are still unfulfilled, and many places that I want to travel. The world is full of interesting people, and whether I am alone, or with someone I love, I plan to have a good life, full of laughter and love. I'm going to leave the darkness behind, where it belongs. In the past.

2005-09-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

When we're together, we're like two kids on an adventure. He's the only person I know who really gets it; the wild flowers in spring, the excitement of finding a nest of ladybugs, the awesome beauty of the sunset, watching the tadpoles in spring turn into the baby frogs of early summer. The concern for the tadpoles when the puddles dried up, and the amazement when we saw hundreds of baby frogs emerge from the deep cracks in the earth, where they survived in the cool mud deep in the earth. When we're together, walking through the woods, or by a cool stream, no words are necessary. There is understanding, connection, acceptance. We can be ourselves completely. The only problem we have comes when we re-emerge into the adult world of egos and obsessions. My ego clashes with his obsession. If we could just rid ourselves of both of those, I think we would be just fine. Life would be just one great adventure!

2005-09-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

Now on a more positive note, some words from one of my favorite wise guys:
the Dalai Lama

For Good Karma, Practice A Little Bit of This Everyday!

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for other’s and Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

I pray for the strength to follow these guidelines. If we all did, this world would be a different place...

2005-09-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

KOKO FOR PRESIDENT!

Here is Koko at her first fundraising dinner. Her table manners were much better than our current president.

Koko entertained the fundraisers with a few songs on her keyboard. She's actually very good.

Here is a picture of Koko preparing for her first speech. Notice that she is writing the speech herself, unlike our current president.

Here is Koko reading a book about Koko and her kitten. Notice that she is reading the book right-side-up, rather than upside down, like our current president.

Koko has a vocabulary of over 1000 words, which is significantly more than our current president.

Here is Koko playing with her kitten, Smoky. She obviously has a lot of love and compassion. Unlike our current president.

So let's see, better table manners, significantly more talented, higher I.Q., writes her own speeches, can actually read a book right side up, has a better vocabulary, and a great deal more compassion. It's a no brainer. Koko gets my vote. Let's kick the idiot out!!

2005-09-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

BUSH BREAKS ALL RECORDS!
(Thanks to Aaron for this)

• First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• In his first two years in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
• Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
• Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
• Cut the taxes of the wealthiest people in America (those making over $200,000 a year).
• Members of Bush Administration are the richest administration in history.

• First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
• Cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
• Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
• Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases.
• First president in U.S. history to attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
• Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year, made the U.S. the most resented country in the world.
• First U.S. president in history to have a majority of people in Europe (over 70%) view his presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
• In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks, he has successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.

The constant comparison of Bush to monkeys is not without merit. For example, Bush's I.Q. is actually 91. There have been several monkeys who have actually scored higher on IQ tests. In fact, Koko the gorilla, has been tested with an I.Q. of 95. So they are in the same ball park intelligently speaking. Although, my personal preference would be Koko for President. She's nicer.

(By the way, our former president, Clinton, has an I.Q. of 182, exactly TWICE the intelligence of our current President. No wonder our country is in the toilet.)

2005-07-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

What I Want From My Life
To laugh often
To sing and dance, and celebrate life with true friends and family
To use my talents to make a difference in the world
To have inner peace and gratitude
To share my life, make love and grow old with a good man
To be truly happy
To be One with God

This is truly what I want in my life, and I shall not settle for anything less. I want to focus on the good things in my life. Turn my focus away from the things in my life that are causing me pain. Spend more time in meditation, laughing with friends, using my creative talents, making a difference.

Sometimes you have to let go of what has been in order to receive what will be. Sometimes relationships have to change in order to move forward. I have to learn to let go of expectations, impossible wishes. Be unattached to the outcome. That is the real secret of happiness. Being unattached to any particular outcome. I have to learn to be happy no matter what, because I cannot control the choices of other people. And I cannot allow other peoples choices to dictate and destroy my happiness.

2005-07-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

"I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish... be deliriously happy. But love is passion, obsession. Someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy, who can love you the same way back. How do you find that? You forget your head, and listen to your heart.

...The truth is, there's no point in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike."

Who knows? Maybe lightning could strike... !

2005-07-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

I looked at his peaceful, sleeping face, and I made a wish. A wish that I have wished so many times that now it seems a hopeless wish. The face that I know and love so well. The lips I have kissed so many times. Will I ever be able to kiss those lips again without thinking of those lips kissing her? Wanting her?

I used to think I knew him so well. We had such a deep, soul connection. But now I'm not sure if I know him at all. The choices that he made, the words that he wrote... to her... the lies that he said to me...broke my heart. Breaks my heart still. Is there any hope for my wish, for our love? Was any of what we shared real? And if it was, how could he? He loved me, but he saved his passion for her.

Nothing is different, and everything is different. Nothing has changed, and everything has changed. There must be dramatic change if there is to be any hope.

Life is too short to settle for love without passion. "She wanted bigger love, Had to have it like she had to dream herself to sleep."

2005-07-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

A man stood before the great journey of self. He stood in the doorway of his own being. Every time he was sure of a decision to change, his fears were like a world ocean, which would not allow him to take the first step and cross. Finally he asked, “How does one begin?” “How does one let go?”

A cool breeze blew down from the breath of the fields around him. He closed his eyes and gently bowed his head. When he looked up , there before him appeared a woman, clothed in the emerald gowns of the field and speaking with the gentle voice of Eden. She looked into the valleys of his heart and said…

Before each transition is a bridge
Before each journey is a step
Before each change there is the will
Before each love there is the rising heart

The woman took his hand and continued…

Let us return from sickness unto health
Let us return from sorrow unto joy
Let us return to the path and become holy
Let us return from the self and become one

There are many bridges and many paths, but…

The first step begins with you
The first step begins with hope
The first step begins with the change
The first step is the one that is hardest and matters the most

And then, for the first time he looked into his own heart and felt his own rising sprit and merging into a union with the Great Divine. He reached out to touch the face of the woman, but she disappeared into the breath of the wind and into her place a Golden Bridge appeared before the waters around him and letting go of fear within himself he took the first step.

~Eric S. Kingston

2005-07-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

JUST COFFEE

She wanted bigger love,

Had to have it like she had to dream herself to sleep.

Recrossed her legs and waited for his tears.

When they came, she held his hand,

Pretended to be interested in someone walking by their table.

~Art & Poetry by Viggo Mortensen

2005-07-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

"I just want to be left alone.
I just want to be sitting
alone in the garden,
with my thoughts... and my self.

My own... sweet self..."

-Irascible

2005-07-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

I used to look in the mirror and really like the person that I saw reflected there. I was happy. I was confident. I was invincible. I could do anything.

Now...
I'm not sure if I like the person in the mirror.
I'm not sure that I even know that person.

The events of the past year and a half drained my spirit.
I was devoured and consumed by the Green-Eyed Monster.
I allowed myself to believe the myth that if the one you love values someone else more, than that someone else must be more valuable.
I was focused on the negative, and that was what expanded in my life.
I wasn't true to myself, and lost sight of who I am.

Now I have to take some time out from everything and everyone.
Spend some time alone in silence.
And in that silence, I will find peace.

"All miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone."
~ Pascal

"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."~Franz Kafka

2005-07-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

I have held my destiny in my two hands and I am the shape I made. I have suffered and loved. I have walked through fire and did not burn. I've been blown by wind and did not fall. I've walked the long road and kept to my journey...

I have lost and found myself in every rock, field and tree. I know what I am and what I imagine. I know shadow and light, and I have never been satisfied with shelter and bread when the great was left unattained.

~extracts from Awakening Osiris

Our lives are what we create them to be. So whatever I have in my life, right now, whether it is good or bad, I am responsible for having created it. I cannot move forward and create something better without first acknowledging my responsibility for what is right now.

The recent past has held a lot of disappointment... both in myself and in those I am close to. But it is time to rise above and conquer... To leave the wake behind and look ahead. It is a constant battle, a challenge of spirit to rise to the test. Those who can rise to meet the challenge will ultimately succeed. Those who lie down and die... will die. There are no rocks to hide under. There are no shoulders to cry on. I am what I am. I have what I have. It is up to me to make the most of it. And be grateful. The key to true happiness is gratitude.

Make me sweet again,
Fragrant and fresh and wild,
And thankful for any small event.
-Rumi

2005-06-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to laugh, but I'm still not there yet. It's not quite a real laugh. Some days everything seems like it is going to be okay. Other days, it seems like it will never be okay.

When you have a hole in your soul, people just expect you to act normal. It's business as usual. "Let's keep the sales up." "Mom, what's for dinner?", "Can you drive me to Burbank?". If the hole were a physical hole, they would rush you to the hospital and make sure you got the best of care. But holes in the soul don't seem to count. Right now I think I'd rather have a physical hole. It might hurt less. Better chance of recovery.

What I really need is to go far away for a long time. Not talk to anyone. Not see anyone. Just pure solitude. I need to lick my wounds and let them heal.

But for now, I guess I just have to try and laugh.

Somehow, we just didn't see it coming.

2005-06-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

Laughter is the best medicine for healing a broken heart. Get it all out with a good cry and then just laugh about it! Okay, it's easier said than done. But I've discovered that moping around just isn't cutting it. At some point, you have to put it all into perspective, right? Life is too short to just sit down and die. I can't control what other people do in my life, as much as I try to sometimes. But I can control my reactions to it. I have to rise above the pain and smile a real smile again. Laugh a real laugh.

I truly want to do the right thing. To be the right person. To make the right choices. As hard as knowing what those are. I have to trust that I will make the right choice when the time comes. Meanwhile, I have to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and just laugh about it all. We're all such idiots sometimes. Why do we make some of the stupid choices that we make? Why do we hang on to things when it is obvious to everyone around us that we are hanging on for naught? And egos. Life would be a cakewalk if it weren't for egos. Egos are what make us hang on to every little bad thing that anyone ever did to us. Egos get in the way of creating great relationships. And fear. Because of fear, we don't take chances. And if we don't take chances, we'll never know what may have been.

So here are a few jokes to get started on the right path. They are, quite possibly, some of the world's worst jokes, but hey, it's something. If you don't laugh, well, then you're probably normal! These are real groaners...

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

Or my favorite...

There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.

2005-06-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

come up to meet you
tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i've set you apart
tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles
coming in tails
heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
i was just guessing
at numbers and figures
pulling the puzzles apart
questions of science
science and progress
They don't speak as loud as my heart.
oh, tell me you love me
come back and haunt me
oh when i rush to the start
running in circles
chasing tails
coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start
by Coldplay

Click here for a sample

2005-06-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed... is the only word to describe. Working 6-7 days per week. Unpacking boxes. Painting. Dealing with betrayal and a broken heart. Losing my best friend. And being a single mom. The stress of rebellious teenagers. Family coming to visit. Bills, bills and more bills. "But mom, you can handle it, you're strong." said my teenage daughter. Something about that phrase made me want to start screaming, and never stop. I don't want to be strong. I just want to cry. To crawl under a rock and die. To not have to fake smile. To not have to pretend that it's okay. It's not fucking okay. How many times can I say it? A thousand million times it's not okay.

Fuck being strong. I need someone else to be strong. I need someone else to hold me in their strong arms, and make it all okay. Someone to be insane about me. To choose me first this time and everytime. To be enraptured with "the whole" of me. (Some puns truly are unforgivable.) But there is nobody to do that.

Father, give me the strength. Help me to see the light again.

2005-06-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

It's time to walk out of the cave, and into the light... Leave the darkness behind.

2005-06-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever suddenly realized that something
wasn't what you thought it was?
When the filters of what we want to see are lifted,
and we see something clearly for the first time,
Enlightenment turns the light on,
and there sits Truth, naked and exposed.
And while the disappointment of Truth
can be heartbreaking,
knowing the Truth is more valuable than the
beauty of all the dreams and illusions that my mind can create.
In the words of Thoreau, "Rather than love, than money,
than fame, give me Truth."

The truth is that I feel like a total fool and a big part of my soul died tonight. All the happy memories... hiking, bweeping, loving, laughing, New York, the bridge to Nowhere, Vasquez Rocks, hiking to the Hollywood sign, walking through the clouds. We were there for each other through all the good and bad. You were my heart, and now it's broken. We had so many good times. Gone. In one unorthodoxically, self-destructive, selfish night.

Now it's time to get back to me. Find peace again. Find true love. Be happy again.

The END

2005-06-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

When you want to change your life, you have to change yourself. I have been less than happy for the past few months, and I am realizing that I must change myself at a very basic level if I am going to be happy. And if I want to allow a good relationship to become a great relationship, I have to learn to forgive and forget. Learn to trust again. Let the past stay in the past, where it belongs. What you focus on is what expands. I need to focus on all the good things... expand on all the happy memories... hiking, bweeping, loving, laughing. We have had so many good times.

This past year has been difficult, both financially and emotionally. But in truth, I have much to be thankful for. And I know that in order to make my life better, I only have to turn around and walk out of the cave... let the past stay in the past. Focus on the good things. Be thankful. After all, LIFE IS GOOD!

2005-05-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

Kind eyes. Funny. Smart. Talented. He stole my heart, and he has it still.

These eyes stole my heart, over and over again.

2005-05-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

I feel like an idiot. And I hurt.

What do you do when you realize that the person that you hold in the highest esteem is holding someone else in that esteem? When you realize that your efforts, your talents and your existence are taken for granted, and someone else is still sitting on that pedestal? I'm his biggest fan, and he's hers. It seems that some things never change.

I am striving to love unconditionally, knowing that loving unconditionally means without conditions of any kind. Why is this so difficult? and I'm aware that it's my ego. It's the thorns of ego growing on the rose of love that are at the root of all pain.

But I am no egoless saint. I still have a deep-seated need to be deeply appreciated, and loved by the one that I love.

So what do I do? Do I give up and walk away? How many times must I hit my head on the wall before I realize the truth? Surely somewhere in this world there is someone that will be my biggest fan.

I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired. This endless pain has taken me to a darker place than I have ever been. It's time to get back to the light...

2005-05-08T08:12:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago me and Mark hiked up to the Hollywood sign after we wrapped on the film for the day, and shot some amazing shots of the Hollywood sign with low lying clouds wafting over it. I've never the seen the Hollywodo sign like that. It looked dark, evil and sinister.

Typical shot of Hollywood sign

Then we hiked back down the mountain in the dark right through the low lying clouds. I loved it! It was truly surreal.

2005-05-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here among boxes... dreading each box that is being filled up. Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled to be moving out of this little hole in the wall in Burbank. Anxious even. But it doesn't lessen the misery of packing and moving. Packing and moving in the short (1 day) break I have from line producing a feature film called Sweetzer.

"Sweetzer is a romantic comedy set in a Los Angeles where women have taken to burning the paint off cheating men’s cars. The story unfolds over a comedic 24 hours as an ensemble cast weaves through a Los Angeles full of Yoga Centers, Sex Addicts Meetings, coffee shops, and hair removal techniques. (At one point we find a guy hanging by ropes, upside down, in a yoga center talking on the phone to an out of work actor who is getting his butt waxed in an effort to impress a girl.) While shenanigans abound we come to see that insecurities are real and people have to struggle with truly tough issues – like the loss of a parent. This story makes it clear that life moves forward and love conquers all."

It's actually a very sweet film with a number of laugh out loud scenes. Written, directed by and starring Wayne Reynolds, an AFI grad. One of my favorite scenes is a scene starring a dear friend of mine by the name of Jay Bogdanowich. He really just killed. He was great. The whole crew was laughing so hard during his scenes.

We also have Jorge Garcia from "Lost" and Bryan Callen from "Fat Actress". Both of them are doing a phenomenal job, and we are fortunate to have them on our shoot.

the one and only Jorge Garcia

the mad, mad Bryan Callen

We also have a great crew, once again. I have always been so fortunate in pulling a crew together, even on a minimal budget. We have Ray Peschke as our DP. He was gaffer on some pretty amazing films like JFK, The Usual Suspects, The Cable Guy, Born On The Fourth of July, among many others. My sweetheart is operating camera. Dana "McGyver" Kopetzky came in as sound mixer for the first week as a favor to me. Our art department has done a great job on a pretty minimal budget, Jen Swanston, the Production Designer and Lee Tosca, her assistant. Yvonne Wang has done a phenomenal job as makeup artist, and Amy Haffner absolutely amazes me as head of Wardrobe. And Zack Richard is once again Gaffer. I've hardly done a project without him as the gaffer. He is also a great DP and cameraman (www.zackrichard.com).

Soooo.... anyways. I am moving. To the "oasis". That's what we call it, and that's truly what it is. The atmosphere and the feel of it is like getting away from it all. It has a very creative vibe to it. Probably because it has been inhabited by very creative spirits for the past ten years or so, and they have infused their creative spirit into the very heart and soul of the place. Great things shall come to pass in that house. But first I have to pack...

2005-04-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

"Be Love ... and then let love pursue you."

And...

"We pursue that which retreats from us." - Tao of Steve (Heidegger)

This was anonymously posted by ME on 3/17/05 in the comments of my post on 10/20/2004, and I just read it for the first time tonight.

Sometimes you hear something like that at a time when you really need to hear it.

The past few months have been a blur, and I feel like a blind man walking through a blizzard.

Once things seemed so clear, and now it's all fuzzy. No matter how strong you may be, there is always something or someone that can take you down. No matter how confident you think you've become, life always finds a way to bring out your insecurities, your fears, and open those old wounds anew.

"Be love... and then let love pursue you." Beautiful. But is it really so simple? And how does one BE love? Sometimes it seems that the more I love, the more elusive love is.

No. That's not true. It's not that love is elusive. Love is solidly there. In full bloom. But maybe it's not the bloom I was expecting. I was anticipating red roses, and I found daisies. Still beautiful. I was dreaming of passion, and I found a great friendship.

It's passion that remains elusive.

You are my heart.

"We pursue that which retreats from us." - Tao of Steve (Heidegger)

2005-03-01T00:32:00.000-08:00

It is truly sad... the world has lost a man who knew how to stir things up, tell it like it is... Hunter S. Thompson. In his honor, here are a few of his words:

America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.

No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.

We cannot expect people to have respect for law and order until we teach respect to those we have entrusted to enforce those laws.

We have become a Nazi monster in the eyes of the whole world - bullies and bastards who would rather kill than live peacefully. We are whores for power and oil with hate and fear in our hearts.

Some may never live, but the crazy never die.

2005-02-19T23:35:00.000-08:00

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Mark pointed that out to me this morning. Someone had posted it up behind the counter at Starbucks. I really liked it. Then I went to see "Hitch" this evening with my daughter, and there it was again. The key phrase of the film.

It made me realize how fortunate I am to have had so many of those moments in my life.

2005-02-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

What is a Bweep?

Bweeping is a sport or fad that is rapidly catching on here on the west coast. Everywhere you go, you are seeing people bweeping and getting bweeped. But for those unfortunate few who have never had the opportunity to experience a bweep, or better yet, to deliver a bweep, here is a quick lesson in effective bweeping.

1) You must first find a prospective bweepee. It is better if you are on somewhat intimate terms, unless you are willing and able to run very fast.
2) Take your index finger, and place it solidly on the bweepee's nose, while placing the middle finger and thumb directly in the middle of each cheek.
3) When solidly in place, gently squeeze the face. If done properly, the face will collapse beneath the fingers and you will have a successful and satisfying bweep.
4) IMPORTANT: The finger action must be accompanied by a clearly heard verbal "BWEEP", in order to technically count as a bweep.

Successful bweeps as outlined above, are worth 100 points. There are somewhat lesser moves that are not full bweeps, but can earn points. For instance, there is the "bweef". The bweef is when the fingers caress the face and nose in the official "bweep" position, without actually collapsing the face in a very quick movement. The bweef, however, is only worth 25 points. The bweef must also be accompanied by the verbal "bweef". The feeble is another move that is only worth about fifteen points. The feeble is when the feebler takes his index finger and moves it quickly back and forth under the feeblee's nose, moving the nose quickly, and uttering the words "feeble, feeble, feeble". I would recommend that the feebler move quickly away from the feebled person, in order to avoid injury, as their response is not always a positive one. I would also NOT recommend feebling someone who has a bad cold, or otherwise runny nose.

There is talk of taking bweeping to the next level, and creating an official sport, maybe even an olympic sport. However, because of certain negative side effects associated with extensive bweeping, there are those who feel that this dream will never be realized.

The negative side effects associated with too much bweeping are as follows:

1) a nose that dips or droops dramatically.
2) recipients of too much bweeping have been associated with post traumatic stress disorder. This disorder can be recognized by a certain look of fear or disorientation when another person's hand comes near to their face. When this occurs, it is recommended that this person abstains from further bweeping.

2005-02-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

This year has really started off with a blast... A non-stop blur of work, and action. I've worked every day since January 16... and will probably only have about three days off this month. Produced a music video that included dog chases, and gun shots, and blood squibs, and cadets marching on the same airface base where they shot The Aviator. The footage looks awesome. The shoot was a lot of fun, even if we were shooting in the rain, and I had to drive a 3-ton grip truck (yikes!) Then I moved straight into a big budget commercial where the corps (corporate dudes) are so uptight that the font that they choose for the pre-pro book is keeping them up at night. Who gives a shit, as long as it looks good! I have no patience for corporate nonsense, office politics and ego wars.

I'm dreaming of down-time; time with the kids, time spent hiking with my sweetheart, SLEEP! just enjoying life...maybe even traveling. But right now it's just a dream. Back to work...

All work and no play makes Erica a very .... well, you get the idea!

An interesting, and yet, somewhat disturbing sign...

2005-01-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

My first post of the year! A monumental occasion! Cause it is going to be a great year! No, it's going to be a phenomenal year. This will be the year of Erica, mover and shaker, movin' and a groovin', the year of Stella Ruby, The Vintage Diva (still a work in progress), as well as several feature films brought to you by yours truly. A year of laughter, and travel, and lots of work. This year is going to be the Bees Knees, the Cats Meow, THE ULTIMATE YEAR! A year that will go down in history as MONUMENTAL(I think you get the point!)

Evolution of the Cats Meow

Stella Ruby, The Vintage Diva

And to hell with resolutions. Resolutions are promises that you make to yourself once a year that you rarely ever keep. A real resolution has to be made every day, and kept like clockwork. Everyday I resolve to do whatever I need to do to create my life into the life that I choose to live, I resolve to do whatever I need to do to become the person that I want to be.

2004-12-30T14:56:00.000-08:00

EVIL EYES
Mark's second feature, Evil Eyes, is now available on DVD at your local Blockbuster, Hollywood Video and yes, even Netflix! Yeah! We went to the theatrical premiere Monday morning at 10:00 a.m., and because of it's incredibly early hour, it was pretty much a private screening. But we had a great time anyways! Mark did an incredible job, especially considering that he rewrote the entire script, directed and shot it in 12 days! The cinematography is really beautiful. Udo Kier was great as the EVIL PRODUCER, and Adam Baldwin gave a very good performance as a screenwriter, struggling against evil forces. Jennifer Gates was also very good in her feature debut. Overall, the film is very entertaining, good performances, interesting storyline, great cinematography, and enough gore to make anyone cringe! Unfortunately, however, Mark was excluded from the post-production, and the editing leaves something to be desired. He is currently working on a Director's Cut, which we will give a proper Premiere, at a much more suitable time (breakfast with your premiere anyone?). Yours truly had a couple of cameo roles, as Udo Kier's other evil secretary, Ursula (you never really see my face), and then as Jane Rolf (extreme closeups on the eyes and mouth), although The Asylum managed to exclude me from any title credits!

Me as Ursula, Udo's Other Evil Secretary

Udo Kier does Evil so well...

Adam Baldwin, very convincing as the writer who makes evil things happen.

...And the mixed emotions continue.
I mean, how can anyone feel and act completely normally when right now the death toll on the other side of the world is 117,000 and mounting (1/3 of those are children). I was at Starbucks when I picked up a New York Times and saw the headlines, with pictures of dead children lined up in a row and a mother weeping for her lost child. The tears just came, and I stood there in Starbucks, fighting, fighting the tears, and losing, and wondering how we can just pretend that everything is okay, when there is so much grief, agony and loss on the other side of the world. Yet I know that I must; that we all must. That life does go on....

A homeless Sri Lankan woman Sukhriti cries as she mourns the loss of her eight-month-old son who was washed away by the giant tsunami waves which devastated two-thirds of the country's shoreline

2004-12-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

BACK FROM THE DEAD...

It's been exactly a month since I've posted. Kind of a crazy month - a mixture of good and bad. Challenges and good times. In some ways, I've been in a very difficult spot, emotionally and financially. I haven't been completely myself. I haven't called, or e-mailed anyone this past month. So I apologize to everyone who thinks I vanished from the face of the earth. I'm back now, and ready for a new year...ready to make 2005 an even better year than 2004. In retrospect, 2004 was a great year, inspite of various emotional and financial challenges.

The last few weeks have been a mixture of family and good friends, and I'm very thankful for the very special people in my life. Holiday parties galore, a trip to the opera (La Boheme), lots of movie going (Sideways (greatfilm), The Aviator (great film), House of Flying Daggers (best film), The Life Aquatic (very good), National Treasure (your basic studio film), Finding Neverland (another great film).

Here's a few pics from Dale's (star of Night Orchid, Mark's first feature film) crazy birthday party a few weeks back. The theme was "Rockers and their Groupies". As you can tell, we had a lot of fun!

What am I, you ask? A Plaster Caster. What is that in my hand? A Plaster Cast, of course. Of what, you say? I'll give you one clue. SHOCKING!!

Here is the birthday boy's (Dale with buddy Scott) reaction when he saw my Plaster Cast. Needless to say, it was a successful cast.

Me and Jimi Hendrix (What? Jimi looks a little paler than usual? Well, what do you expect? He's been dead for thirty years! Leave it to me to bring him back with my plaster caster!)

Why drink one beer when you can have two?

At some point, the party got a little out of hand. Here's Jimi, Dale, Andy (The Korean Cowboy) and two people I don't know, getting a little crazy.

Here's Jimi with his agent, Jeff Williams.

2004-11-30T22:37:00.000-08:00

Balance...
in life is a very tricky thing. Sometimes it is very difficult to stay balanced and centered. It doesn't take much to get you off course, and once you're off, it seems like everything goes to hell.

I have been feeling very much off-balance for the past month, and am trying desperately to once again find my center, my sense of peace and oneness. It doesn't come easily. When you are in balance, and centered, life moves along synchronistically, flowing in a peaceful, smooth way, bringing mostly good, and only a few hiccups. Nothing you can't handle. But once you're off center, somehow the synchronicity just isn't working, and challenges seem to appear more frequently. You make more mistakes... stupid mistakes, like packing your keys where you will never find them. Losing your phone on the top of a mountain. Leaving your car unlocked for thieves to take what they will. Yes, these are the stupid mistakes I have been making lately. These are warning bells that it is time to realign to center. Time to practice a little meditation and discipline.

One thing I've learned through the challenges of the past month is that I was not created to work a nine to five job. My spirit is wild, like an untamed hawk, and I excel when set free to soar where I will. I do best when I am my own boss. I work myself harder than anybody else ever would. But when I have a boss to answer to, I have a tendency to speak my mind, and say whatever I think. Sometimes it isn't well received!! But, I have, at last found a business to keep me busy. I'm keeping it under wraps for the time being, but hopefully soon it will be ready to unveil to the world.

In honor of the Thanksgiving that has just passed, I want to say that in spite of the recent challenges, I am indeed thankful for many things. I am wealthy in family, and in the right kind of friends, the kind that stick by you regardless. I have been very fortunate to always be in good health, and mostly in good spirits. I have been blessed with more than my share of blessings in this life, and if I never had another good thing happen to me in this life, I will still have lived a blessed and charmed life.

2004-11-16T22:08:00.000-08:00

A VERY CHALLENGING DAY
Life is certainly interesting. It never stops challenging you. Just when you think you've got things under control, it pulls the rug right out from under you. I guess what they say is true, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Well I'm not dead yet.

You know you're having a bad day when...

And when things seem unbearable, it's important to recognize that there is always somebody else worse off. Take for instance, the story of the Danish patient who, while undergoing a mole-removal from his backside, was set on fire when he passed gas.

The surgeon was using an electric knife when the 30-year-old man broke wind, igniting a spark.

"When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell," the scorched victim told Danish newspaper BT.

"No one considered the possibility the man would break wind during the operation, let alone that it would catch fire," said the surgeon, Dr. Jorn Kristensen. "It was an unfortunate accident." Remember, no matter how bad things seem, they can always get worse! Gee I feel better already...?!?

Tonight I watched a film that really uplifted my spirits after a difficult day, both with its comedic genius as well as the strength and spirit of its characters. Life is Beautiful has been added to the top of my list of favorite films.

Roberto Benigni is a genius!

Oh and did you catch the latest cover of Time magazine?

(sorry, I just can't help myself!)

Last night was interesting. Me and Mark went to see a burlesque show at The Derby, a really cool "Old Hollywood" bar. The emcee is a burlesque dancer who's been around by the name of Bella Beretta. Tonight while surfing, I found her blog. She's a very interesting person. Check it out.

Apparently she teaches a burlesque class called Girls School. Anybody up for a little lesson in burlesque? I don't know... sounds like fun.

Dita Von Teese, infamous burlesque dancer

Scarlette Fever of the Velvet Hammer Burlesque

2004-11-04T01:30:00.000-08:00

So enough with the Bush bashing. Hopefully it's out of my system. I just had this overwhelming need to express my frustration! Now it's time to change my focus.
After all, what you focus on is what expands in your life, and I certainly don't need to expand my frustrations with the current administration!

I wrote something a few years back, after I saw the movie, Jerry Macguire. I know that sounds corny, but I actually loved that movie, and I loved that he wrote a mission statement. I think everyone should. So here's mine.

WHAT I WANT FROM MY LIFE

I want to live in peace and harmony with all the people that I love.

I want my heart to be full and overflowing with unconditional love for every person that I encounter. (Hopefully I won't encounter GWB)

I want to develop and to use all the talents that I have been given in such a way as to make this world a better place.

I want to create films that will have a powerful and positive impact on our society.

I want the lives of the people I know to be better because they have known me.

I want to laugh, and to love, and to sing, and to dance, and never to judge, and never to criticize and never to hurt. (What a hypocrite I am! Okay, from this moment on, no more judging and critizing!)

I want a life full of beauty. A home surrounded by flowers and mountains.

I want to always be close to my children and my dear friends and my family.

I want to share my life, dreams and passions, make love and grow old with a wonderful man.

I want to praise God, and know God, and be one with God.

After reading this mission statement again, I am humbled. I realize how far I still have to go to realize these goals. But hey, I'm still young!

Here's to a life full of beauty, love and happiness!

2004-11-04T01:28:00.000-08:00

CLASSIC BUSHISMS
This man is actually leader of our great country! What have we come to?

"I suspect that had my dad not been president, he'd be asking the same questions: How'd your meeting go with so-and-so? . How did you feel when you stood up in front of the people for the State of the Union Address.state of the budget address, whatever you call it.".Interview with the Washington Post, March 9, 2001

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''.Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

"Home is important. It's important to have a home.".Crawford, Texas, Feb. 18, 2001

"I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state.".Question and answer session with the press, Jan. 29, 2001

"The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty ... I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas." All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000

Bush: "First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day. That's diecis�is de Septiembre, and ...
"Matthews: "What's that in English?"
Bush: "Fifteenth of September." (Diecis�is de Septiembre = Sept. 16).Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000

"I think we agree, the past is over.".On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--Reuters, May 5, 2000

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.".In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

"People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I'll give you an example; I don't read what's handed to me. People say, 'Here, here's your speech, or here's an idea for a speech.' They're changed. Trust me.".Interview with the New York Times, March 15, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one.".New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2001

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have.he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.".To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher.".South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.".Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?".Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.".Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.".Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.''.Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there.".Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house.".Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses.".At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.".ibid.

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?".Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure.".ibid.

"I read the newspaper.".In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

"Keep good relations with the Grecians.".Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.".From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio

Our Fearless Leader

I think it would be safe to say that we've reached our Statue of Limitations!

2004-11-03T17:31:00.000-08:00

What can I say? Complete and utter disappointment. Needless to say, it was difficult to get out of bed this morning faced with the knowledge that we have another four years of Bush in office. After the past four years, I tremble in fear at the possibilities that lie in wait for this country over the next four years. We have as the president of our country a man who cares not a whit for the American people. Someone who has an agenda that entirely supports big business and a fascist way of thinking. Just look at his track record of cutting educational programs for inner city kids, giving the wealthy a tax break, letting big businesses have their way with the environment, handing out contracts to "friends" without taking competitive bids, giving tax breaks to business who take their business out of the country(!?!), passing the Patriot Act which took away American's civil rights without American's having any say about it. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. I'll say it loud and clear. George W. Bush is NOT MY president. I certainly did not vote for him. And I fear that those who did, will regret it before the next term is up.

Eric Blumrich sums it all up with this great animation. Check it out! It really brightened my day!

But regardless of the fact that we have "an idiot son of an asshole" in office, we must all still strive to keep this country great, inspite of the overwhelming number of Americans who don't seem to care about the future of our country. There are still a great number of us who do care, very much.

Our brilliant president who can apparently look through binoculars with the lenscap still on. Scary!

We always wondered if Bush could read... Now we know.

2004-11-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

BUSH VS. KERRY
I'm sitting here on pins and needles. I've been on pins and needles for weeks now. I've never been so nervous about an election in my life. Never has an election been so important. So much hangs in the balance. But then, who thought that one man as president could destroy so much in just four years? From taking away every positive environmental program and replacing them with programs that destroy our environment in favor of big business, to creating the biggest deficit in our nation's history, taking funds away from early childhood education programs, destroying the economy, making American's the most hated throughout the world by invading a country illegally so that we can rape it and destroy its citizens, while the wealthy friends of the president reap the wealth of the billions of dollars provided by American's hard-earned tax money that is being spent to rebuild that country. Not to mention taking away our precious civil rights. How can any American in their right mind vote such a horrendous administration back into office? The fact that the vote is so close right now scares the hell out of me!! What does that mean? Either all of these Americans that have voted for Bush are completely uninformed about the damage that the Bush administration has done, or they support that damage!?! Either scenario is very disturbing. Even Bush's hometown paper, The Iconoclast, came out in support of Kerry. Here are a few very good points made by the Iconoclast:

2004 Iconoclast Presidential Endorsement

Few Americans would have voted for George W. Bush four years ago if he had promised that, as President, he would:
• Empty the Social Security trust fund by $507 billion to help offset fiscal irresponsibility and at the same time slash Social Security benefits.
• Cut Medicare by 17 percent and reduce veterans’ benefits and military pay.
• Eliminate overtime pay for millions of Americans and raise oil prices by 50 percent.
• Give tax cuts to businesses that sent American jobs overseas, and, in fact, by policy encourage their departure.
• Give away billions of tax dollars in government contracts without competitive bids.
• Involve this country in a deadly and highly questionable war, and
• Take a budget surplus and turn it into the worst deficit in the history of the United States, creating a debt in just four years that will take generations to repay.
These were elements of a hidden agenda that surfaced only after he took office.
The publishers of The Iconoclast endorsed Bush four years ago, based on the things he promised, not on this smoke-screened agenda.
Today, we are endorsing his opponent, John Kerry, based not only on the things that Bush has delivered, but also on the vision of a return to normality that Kerry says our country needs.
Four items trouble us the most about the Bush administration: his initiatives to disable the Social Security system, the deteriorating state of the American economy, a dangerous shift away from the basic freedoms established by our founding fathers, and his continuous mistakes regarding terrorism and Iraq.
President Bush has announced plans to change the Social Security system as we know it by privatizing it, which when considering all the tangents related to such a change, would put the entire economy in a dramatic tailspin.
The Social Security Trust Fund actually lends money to the rest of the government in exchange for government bonds, which is how the system must work by law, but how do you later repay Social Security while you are running a huge deficit? It’s impossible, without raising taxes sometime in the future or becoming fiscally responsible now. Social Security money is being used to escalate our deficit and, at the same time, mask a much larger government deficit, instead of paying down the national debt, which would be a proper use, to guarantee a future gain.
Privatization is problematic in that it would subject Social Security to the ups, downs, and outright crashes of the Stock Market. It would take millions in brokerage fees and commissions out of the system, and, unless we have assurance that the Ivan Boeskys and Ken Lays of the world will be caught and punished as a deterrent, subject both the Market and the Social Security Fund to fraud and market manipulation, not to mention devastate and ruin multitudes of American families that would find their lives lost to starvation, shame, and isolation.
Kerry wants to keep Social Security, which each of us already owns. He says that the program is manageable, since it is projected to be solvent through 2042, with use of its trust funds. This would give ample time to strengthen the economy, reduce the budget deficit the Bush administration has created, and, therefore, bolster the program as needed to fit ever-changing demographics.
Our senior citizens depend upon Social Security. Bush’s answer is radical and uncalled for, and would result in chaos as Americans have never experienced. Do we really want to risk the future of Social Security on Bush by spinning the wheel of uncertainty?
In those dark hours after the World Trade Center attacks, Americans rallied together with a new sense of patriotism. We were ready to follow Bush’s lead through any travail.
He let us down.
When he finally emerged from his hide-outs on remote military bases well after the first crucial hours following the attack, he gave sound-bytes instead of solutions.
He did not trust us to be ready to sacrifice, build up our public and private security infrastructure, or cut down on our energy use to put economic pressure on the enemy in all the nations where he hides. He merely told us to shop, spend, and pretend nothing was wrong.
Rather than using the billions of dollars expended on the invasion of Iraq to shore up our boundaries and go after Osama bin Laden and the Saudi Arabian terrorists, the funds were used to initiate a war with what Bush called a more immediate menace, Saddam Hussein, in oil-rich Iraq. After all, Bush said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction trained on America. We believed him, just as we believed it when he reported that Iraq was the heart of terrorism. We trusted him.
The Iconoclast, the President’s hometown newspaper, took Bush on his word and editorialized in favor of the invasion. The newspaper’s publisher promoted Bush and the invasion of Iraq to Londoners in a BBC interview during the time that the administration was wooing the support of Prime Minister Tony Blair.
Again, he let us down.
We presumed the President had solid proof of the existence of these weapons, what and where they were, even as the search continued. Otherwise, our troops would be in much greater danger and the premise for a hurried-up invasion would be moot, allowing more time to solicit assistance from our allies.
Instead we were duped into following yet another privileged agenda.
Now he argues unconvincingly that Iraq was providing safe harbor to terrorists, his new key justification for the invasion. It is like arguing that America provided safe harbor to terrorists leading to 9/11.
Once and for all, George Bush was President of the United States on that day. No one else. He had been President nine months, he had been officially warned of just such an attack a full month before it happened. As President, ultimately he and only he was responsible for our failure to avert those attacks.
We should expect that a sitting President would vacation less, if at all, and instead tend to the business of running the country, especially if he is, as he likes to boast, a “wartime president.” America is in service 365 days a year. We don’t need a part-time President who does not show up for duty as Commander-In-Chief until he is forced to, and who is in a constant state of blameless denial when things don’t get done.
What has evolved from the virtual go-it-alone conquest of Iraq is more gruesome than a stain on a White House intern’s dress. America’s reputation and influence in the world has diminished, leaving us with brute force as our most persuasive voice.
Iraq is now a quagmire: no WMDs, no substantive link between Saddam and Osama, and no workable plan for the withdrawal of our troops. We are asked to go along on faith. But remember, blind patriotism can be a dangerous thing and “spin” will not bring back to life a dead soldier; certainly not a thousand of them.
Kerry has remained true to his vote granting the President the authority to use the threat of war to intimidate Saddam Hussein into allowing weapons inspections. He believes President Bush rushed into war before the inspectors finished their jobs.
Kerry also voted against President Bush’s $87 billion for troop funding because the bill promoted poor policy in Iraq, privileged Halliburton and other corporate friends of the Bush administration to profiteer from the war, and forced debt upon future generations of Americans.
Kerry’s four-point plan for Iraq is realistic, wise, strong, and correct. With the help from our European and Middle Eastern allies, his plan is to train Iraqi security forces, involve Iraqis in their rebuilding and constitution-writing processes, forgive Iraq’s multi-billion dollar debts, and convene a regional conference with Iraq’s neighbors in order to secure a pledge of respect for Iraq’s borders and non-interference in Iraq’s internal affairs.
The publishers of the Iconoclast differ with Bush on other issues, including the denial of stem cell research, shortchanging veterans’ entitlements, cutting school programs and grants, dictating what our children learn through a thought-controlling “test” from Washington rather than allowing local school boards and parents to decide how young people should be taught, ignoring the environment, and creating extraneous language in the Patriot Act that removes some of the very freedoms that our founding fathers and generations of soldiers fought so hard to preserve.
We are concerned about the vast exportation of jobs to other countries, due in large part to policies carried out by Bush appointees. Funds previously geared at retention of small companies are being given to larger concerns, such as Halliburton — companies with strong ties to oil and gas. Job training has been cut every year that Bush has resided at the White House.
Then there is his resolve to inadequately finance Homeland Security and to cut the Community Oriented Policing Program (COPS) by 94 percent, to reduce money for rural development, to slash appropriations for the Small Business Administration, and to under-fund veterans’ programs.
Likewise troubling is that President Bush fought against the creation of the 9/11 Commission and is yet to embrace its recommendations.
Vice President Cheney’s Halliburton has been awarded multi-billion-dollar contracts without undergoing any meaningful bid process — an enormous conflict of interest — plus the company has been significantly raiding the funds of Export-Import Bank of America, reducing investment that could have gone toward small business trade.
When examined based on all the facts, Kerry’s voting record is enviable and echoes that of many Bush allies who are aghast at how the Bush administration has destroyed the American economy. Compared to Bush on economic issues, Kerry would be an arch-conservative, providing for Americans first. He has what it takes to right our wronged economy.
The re-election of George W. Bush would be a mandate to continue on our present course of chaos. We cannot afford to double the debt that we already have. We need to be moving in the opposite direction.
John Kerry has 30 years of experience looking out for the American people and can navigate our country back to prosperity and re-instill in America the dignity she so craves and deserves. He has served us well as a highly decorated Vietnam veteran and has had a successful career as a district attorney, lieutenant governor, and senator.
Kerry has a positive vision for America, plus the proven intelligence, good sense, and guts to make it happen.
That’s why The Iconoclast urges Texans not to rate the candidate by his hometown or even his political party, but instead by where he intends to take the country.
The Iconoclast wholeheartedly endorses John Kerry.

We'll soon find out just how intelligent our country truly is!

2004-10-26T03:04:00.000-07:00

I have wanted so much...
All my life I have dreamed of a
true, unconquerable, unconditional love
where two souls become one.
Is that love just a myth? Or does it truly exist?
And if it exists, then why is it so elusive?
I feel separate, disillusioned and all alone.

Be patient, I tell myself.
Let go of expectations.
Let go of fear.
Love without reserve. Embrace hope. Have faith.
Then maybe, just maybe,
I'll witness the miracle and the birth
Of true, unconquerable, unconditional love.

Grant me love, hope and faith.

2004-10-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

PEACE
I found this recently and loved it. It sounds so simple, and yet in reality it is so difficult...

The Symptoms of Inner Peace
* tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experience
* loss of interest in judging other people
* loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others
* loss of interest in conflict
* overwhelming episodes of appreciation
* contented feelings of connectedness with others
* increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen
* less worrying

I want inner peace. I want peace in the world. When I see the news, I get so angry, my inner peace flees. We have the resources and capabilities to do away with most everything that is wrong with the world, but instead, we create more conflicts and more problems because of a few men's desire for power and wealth. I want our country to wake up and realize what is happening. These men are draining our country's wealth. Destroying our environment. Making it difficult for us as citizens to hold our heads up in this world. Americans are more hated than ever before. The arrogance and stupidity of a few men have isolated all of us from the rest of the world. If we banded together, we could effect change. There is power in numbers. But so many are sleeping, or are so blinded by ego that they refuse to see reality.

It takes the hands of only a few to destroy the world. It will take the hands of many to heal it.

2004-10-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

CREATIVE PUMPKINS!
In honor of the upcoming holiday, I wanted to share these original and I must say, quite creative takes on the traditional Halloween pumpkin.

Halloween Flasher!

Pumpkins Who Drink Too Much!

'Nuf said...

2004-10-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

I found this on a very interesting blog, and thought it was hysterical. (Thanks to Carrie Jeffries) Apparently your starbucks drink of choice provides insight into your personality type. My usual drink of choice? The soy latte; venti, of course.

The Oracle of Starbucks:
Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: Hippie (Gee, this hippie theme seems to be a recurring concept. Maybe there's something to it?!)

In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks soy lattes should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.

Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they're herbal and organic
Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities

Okay, so I may have a thing for all-natural products, but I have NOT changed my sexual orientation, or dabbled in Wicca. Buddhism, hinduism and few other isms, but never Wicca. At least not yet. And yes, I do live in California, and I do like Whole Foods! (Who doesn't?) But so far I have never hung out at an indoor rock climbing facility, but hey, I'm up for it, if there's any takers? However, no one, and I do mean no one, will ever force me to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger!

What's your Starbucks drink? What will the Oracle of Starbucks say about you? Check it out.

2004-10-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

I'm as transparent as the caribbean on a windless day. My heart is fixed permanently on my sleeve.
Yet in my egomaniacal desire to know the depths of the ocean of love in his heart, I have pushed him away, only to realize the depths of my own love, which is as immeasurable as the depths of my own idiocy. Being without him is like being without air. I can't breathe. If his love is water, then I'm dying of thirst. Even one drop is better than the dry barren wasteland that my heart has become in his absence.

He is just a man. How can this one man have such power over my heart... such impact on my whole being? That is a question I have been asking myself since the day of our first date. I try to play it cool - keep my distance. But I can't make it through a day without calling him. I'm like a junkie in need of a fix. Just the sound of his voice gives me some relief. I wrote in this very blog that "I will never settle for a relationship that doesn't stir both the passions in the deepest part of my soul, and equally important, the passions of the one I love. A one-sided passionate relationship is guaranteed heartache and misery!" Oh what a hypocrite have I become! But forgive my hypocrisy please, and bring on the heartache and misery, because though I may fail to stir the passions of the one I love, I choose to be with him rather than to be without him.

2004-10-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

Tests, tests, tests...

Okay, so I went a little bonkers on this. It's fun! All these personality, career, I.Q., romance tests and my favorite, the inkblot test. Check it out!

Personality Test "The Ultimate Personality Test"

Skydiver

You're open minded, extroverted, free-spirited, and independent. Chances are you're pretty liberal. You're like a magnet for love and affection. People adore you. And, thanks to that healthy dose of self-confidence, you're super-flexible.

Chances are, you're a great leader at work. You're also a self-starter and will always volunteer to take on a job. You're also an excellent communicator and tend to spread your enthusiasm to others.

Skydiver? I've always wanted to try that, but in the nude? I don't know...

Career Test "Right Job, Wrong Job"

Creative and Analytical

You're a visionary in many people's eyes — able to think outside of the box to come up with your own solutions. You're creative not necessarily in the artistic sense, but because you can expand your mind to do things differently from others.

It might take a while for colleagues to recognize and reward for your entrepreneurial spirit and abilities. That could be because they envy you, or because they find your ideas slightly rebellious — willing to go against the current.

All in all, you make it hard for people to pigeon hole you. That is why you, more than others, need a job that allows you to play to your strengths, break out of the mold, and truly excel.

Love Personality Test
Love Personality Type is ENTJ

About 3-5% of the U.S. population possesses the combination of traits that make up this personality type.

People of your type are known for possessing a generous spirit which allows them to be happy for others' successes as well as their own. This trait can make you a very supportive partner.

Being an ENTJ means that you've got a bit of a rebellious streak in you. So rather than being the kind who follows, you'll usually choose to lead the pack. You also appear to love a challenge more than most others do. So if somebody wants something done, all they have to do is tell you that it's impossible. You're apt to show them then and there how you can make it happen. You're not one to be easily discouraged in any aspect of your life. So if someone catches your eye, you'll likely find a way to get to know them come hell or high water. You're not just a dreamer. You're a doer.

In relationships, you usually have a clear sense of where you want things to lead. You also know how to take charge of a situation to help things go your way. You can exude a personal strength and confidence that really wins people over. Your friendly, outgoing nature also makes most people quite happy to follow your lead. Perhaps they're empowered or inspired by your self-esteem and can-do thinking.

Classic IQ Test IQ 131

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind.

What Color Is Your Aura?

We don't need a psychic to tell us that you're giving off a Gold vibe. You couldn't ask for a better color — a glistening gold aura is as good as it gets. A lively blend of yellow and orange, gold people are happy, playful, energetic, sensitive, and generous. Always up for adventure, you'd give a friend in need the shirt off your back. You're spiritual, too — all those halos in old paintings aren't colored gold by coincidence. Almost childlike in the carefree, joyful way you live your life, you're popular and outgoing with your large circle of friends. Chances are you're so full of light and energy that you sometimes find it hard to sit still and chill out. Instead, you're constantly looking for excitement, no matter how risky or impulsive the occasion. Happy-go-lucky and always laughing, you truly are as good as gold.

Just call me Saint Erica of the Golden Aura! HA! HA!

What Type Are You?

You are a Hippie Chick

The '60s are over, but their legacy of peace and love lives on in you, a genuine, granola-loving Hippie Chick. A fan of flowing skirts, Birkenstocks, and all-natural organic foods, you probably wear your hair long and loose so you can always go with the flow. The rhythm of your life is definitely laid-back and groovy. Genuine and unpretentious, you're a free spirit with a big heart. A Dharma looking for her Greg, after winning your guy's heart, you'll take him on a pilgrimage to Woodstock and make him wear flowers in his hair. And he'll love every minute of it. All in all, you've got just the right mix of idealism and social conscience to keep any guy trippin' over you, right into your arms.

So what if I'm a vegetarian, and I prefer organic produce, and fair trade organic coffee? I DO NOT wear long flowing skirts and birkenstocks! And I only occasionally wear flowers in my hair. Yeah, so I own three peace rings, sign all the petitions, and march for peace. That doesn't make me a hippie chick, right?

And here's my favorite; The Inkblot Test; Your subconscious Mind

Peace (Now there's a surprise!)

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

2004-10-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

I believe...

that we are capable of much more than we realize...
in a greater power that exists in the universe that
we are both surrounded by and a part of...
that we are the creators of our own lives...
that every choice that we make in every moment
of every day makes a difference in the outcome of our lives...
in the synchronicity of life and the universe...
that happiness is a choice we have to make everyday...

but most of all, I believe in the power of love...
anything is possible, when two souls abandon fear
and embrace love with all of their heart...

The Privileged Lovers

the moon has become a dancer
at this festival of love
this dance of light
this sacred blessing
this divine love
beckons us
to a word beyond
only lovers can see
with their eyes of fiery passion

they are the chosen ones
who have surrendered
once they were particles of light
now they are the radiant sun
they have left behind
the world of deceitful games
they are the privileged lovers
who create a new world
with their eyes of fiery passion
~Rumi

2004-10-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

The Simple Things

Sometimes it's the simple, impulsive moments that make life memorable. Like taking the time for a walk along the beach in an otherwise busy day. Or like the other night, when me and Mark wanted to see a movie, and we read up on all the movies currently in the theater. Nothing was appealing. So we did the logical thing; we went to Amoeba Music, bought a Buster Keaton double feature for five bucks, then we bought a bottle of very good, but very inexpensive Australian wine (Black Swan Shiraz only $5.99). We spent the night watching Buster Keaton, drinking wine and laughing our asses off. Buster Keaton and good wine; great combination. More fun than we could ever have had at the movies! Those are the moments that you never forget.

Oh and something funny... I did a voiceover for the Beverly Hills Surgical Institute. Kind of odd, really. I never thought my voice would represent a company that does plastic surgery, but oh well.... check it out, it's a hoot.

2004-10-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

Why is it that men only want what they can't have? Am I missing something here? When a woman gives her heart and soul unconditionally to a man, without games or bullshit, is that somehow unappealing, or just not challenging enough?

It's the neanderthal hunter instinct - if the game is too easy, it's not appreciated. If the hunter has to work hard for his prey, then it's valued much more highly. It would appear that we haven't evolved all that much after all...

Just what I want to be - neanderthal prey.

2004-10-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

Here are the photos from New York! We went to this crazy Bulgarian bar that you would never know about if someone didn't tell you. There's just a door with something like "Bulgarian Social Club" on the front, and they play this great bulgarian music. I went there with Mark, and Mark's sister Shawn. We got a little crazy with the camera and here are the results!

I love this picture of Mark wearing my hat!

Mark looks like some kind of secret spy! I just look happy.

Mark is entertaining me with his unique brand of humor.

Reunion after a month's separation. Do we look happy?

Okay, things got a little out of hand. After a few too many beers, we started having way too much fun with the camera!

That trip to Tierra Del Fuego seems to have taken its toll on Mark!

2004-10-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

I'm NOT sick! I'm NOT sick! I refuse! Okay, so I feel like shit right now, but I am NOT sick! Drinking lots of water, and sleeping. I'm going to kick it in the ass!

Anyways, just got back from a fabulous trip to the great city of New York! It was wonderful! I loved it! I want to go back! I was there with Mark, and we had an incredible time! I'll have pictures to post soon!

Tomorrow I have an audition as a jazz vocalist for the one and only Velvet Hammer. Keep your fingers crossed.

2004-09-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

PRODUCING HELL!!!
A week ago I took on this project. "A simple music video. Oh it'll be easy. We already hired the DP. He's hiring his own crew, and taking care of getting all of the equipment. Don't even worry about that part." Last night I find out that the DP's crew budget is 90% of the entire budget, and his equipment budget is an additional 80% of the entire budget, for a whopping total of 170% of what we have to spend. So guess who had one day to hire a crew and pull together all of the equipment? I had the phone to my ear nonstop from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m., sometimes two phones going at once. Hire a crew, find all the lighting and grip equipment that the DP needs, including jimmy jib and operator, dolly and track, sachtler fluid head with special mounts, negotiate equipment buyout fees with the studio, fax credit apps for everyone, with a deadline of 3:00 p.m. to get all vendors in place in order to get insurance certs out to everyone in time for equipment pickups. So of course after the 3:00pm deadline, I get a call from the DP telling me that in order for his HD cam to work with the Jimmy Jib, he has to have this special adapter, a certain Miranda MDC700 downconverter. I call my insurance person. "Please, please, please can you issue me one more insurance cert?" "Okay, you got fifteen minutes." So I got both phones going. One dialing a vendor while I'm talking to another. I had to call six vendors to find one that had it available for Monday, BUT I FOUND IT within fifteen minutes! At the end of the day, the crew and equipment budget are less than 50% of the total budget. Now if they had just let me find the locations, I could have really saved them some money. What's really crazy is that I actually love producing, even though I hate talking on the phone!?!? Does that make any sense at all?

This was me TODAY!

On a lighter note, last night was exactly one year from the day of my first date with Mark! Good memories. Right now he is still in New York, but when he called me from this crazy Hungarian Bar just to tell me that he wished I was there, he really made my day... the little things make all the difference.

Another great work of art by Richie Fahey.

2004-09-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

Just call me a busy bee!! I have been making lists, and checking things off left and right! From reorganizing my entire house, cleaning out all the closets, and taking about 15 bags to Goodwill. Laying new floortiles in my kitchen. Getting my passport. Interviewing for jobs (and getting them). I'm producing a music video for Mansour, an Iranian vocalist. He's very good! And directing another very short film in October. Writing scripts (and making good progress). Research, research, and more research for my upcoming short film set in the 1940s. I've been bidding on vintage stuff from Ebay, set up an ebay Seller account, a Paypal account. Joined Netflix! Yeah! That will be really cool. Hiking almost everyday. It's not quite the same without my hiking partner! He will hopefully be back from his world travels in a few days!

Here's a great vintage poster that I found at Vintagearte.com

That's me in the red hair drinking a glass of wine!

2004-09-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a day of watching movies, hiking, getting inspired and writing scripts. I finally found a DVD rental place in Burbank that has interesting movies... not just the typical commercial crap. Today I found a great little french film called "La Femme Nikita", directed by Luc Besson.

Now I have to get back to work on my little haunted house script. I'm very excited about it. Here is some of my inspiration.

The Gothic Barbie

2004-09-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

Life has been a bit crazy lately. I think it's time to stop and smell the flowers for a bit. Tonight I hiked up to the top of the mountains behind my house and watched an amazing sunset. As the sun sank, the long, stretched out clouds looked as if they had been dipped in 24k gold, and the bigger billowy clouds went from a deep grey blue to purple to bright orange, and then finally edged in bright gold, all set in a background of bright blue. I sat in awe, trying to commit the sight to memory. One of those amazing and memorable moments that you never want to end.

But all great moments eventually come to an end. My sweetheart is in Tierra Del Fuego, Chile, filming Rheas and Gaunacos and icebergs. The other side of the world. He won't be back for a month. I was dreading his leaving. I remember two days before he left, I woke up early, and just looked at his peaceful, sleeping face in the early morning light, knowing he would be gone soon. And just like with the sunset, I tried to commit every detail of his face to my memory, so that I could still see him vividly in my mind when he was gone. And I wanted that moment to last forever... But of course, time always moves on. And with time, comes change. Change is a bitch, isn't it? Here is an awesome poem about change by one of my favorite poets; Rabindranath Tagore, a great indian poet, 1861-1941.

Nothing lasts forever
No one lives forever
Keep that in mind, and love

Our life is not the same old burden
Our path is not the same long journey
The flower fades and dies
We must pause to weave perfection into music
Keep that in mind, and love

My beloved, in you I find refuge

Love droops towards its sunset
To be drowned in the golden shadows
Love must be called from its play
And love must be born again to be free
Keep that in mind, and love

My beloved, in you I find refuge
Without seeing my love, I cannot sleep

Let us hurry to gather our flowers
Before they are plundered by the passing winds
It quickens our blood and brightens our eyes
To snatch kisses that would vanish
If we delayed

Our life is eager
Our desires are keen
For time rolls by
Keep that in mind, and love

My beloved, in you I find refuge

Beauty is sweet for a short time
And then it is gone
Knowledge is precious
But we will never have time to complete it
All is done and finished
In eternal heaven
But our life here is eternally fresh
Keep that in mind, and love
~Tagore

"Let our wild and hungry kisses set the world on fire" ~Tagore

2004-08-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

PASSION
What is Passion? According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of Passion is:
"EMOTION: intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction, ardent affection, an emotion that is deeply stirring or ungovernable."

What causes us to be passionate about something or someone? Is there some spark that ignites that passion, and if so, how? And how important is passion to having a memorable life? "You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: "Did he have passion?"" (from Serendipity)

"I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish... be deliriously happy. But love is passion, obsession. Someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy, who can love you the same way back. How do you find that? You forget your head, and listen to your heart. ...The truth is, there's no point in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike." (Anthony Hopkins from Meet Joe Black).

Life is too short to settle for anything less than passionate love. And I'm not speaking of physical lust. I'm speaking of passion of the heart and soul. Too many times people end up in passionless relationships because they just don't want to be alone; because the relationship is convenient and meets their "needs", is safe. Sometimes we are afraid of passion...of falling deeply in love, and being hurt from it; because we have been hurt before. I have been guilty of this in the past, and I will never be guilty of it again. I will never settle for a relationship that doesn't stir both the passions in the deepest part of my soul, and equally important, the passions of the one I love. A one-sided passionate relationship is guaranteed heartache and misery!

Love without passion is like a summer day without the sun, like a smile with no sparkle in the eyes, like an ice cream sunday with no ice cream... there's really no point. Passion is beauty, uncontrollable emotions, intense pain and joy, excitement and heartache, laughter and tears. But what is life without it? EMPTY.

My favorite poem of passion is a poem by Rumi - click here for the poem that a man will say to me one day, and I will melt at his feet.

In Life, as in Love, you will never get more than what you settle for. So set your expectations high, and take nothing less.

2004-08-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

Do we ever really know another person? Does anybody else ever really know us? Really truly know us? No matter how much you think you know about someone, you never really know their innermost thoughts, their most secret desires, their innermost longings. What does it take to break the down the walls between two people, in order for them to completely trust, to completely open up to one another? It seems to me that it is incredibly important to know a person very, very well before you ever make any long-term commitments. But then how do you ever get to know a person that well? Some people have been married for years, and still have no clue about who they are married to.

And the reality is, that people will almost always tell you whatever is necessary to continue to meet their immediate needs. For instance, if a wife asks her husband, "Honey, am I fat?" Well, the husband has learned that if he says yes, regardless if that is the truth, he will probably not get any dinner, or he'll end up sleeping on the couch, or at the very least, he'll have to hear over and over for an eternity, "Maybe you'd be happier with so and so, she's not fat like me, is she, cause I know you think I'm fat!"

Why can't we learn to communicate with honesty and intimacy? To open up and share our innermost fears and insecurities, and to be able to trust another enough to know that they will be honest, and caring, and sensitive in their response to those fears. "Am I going bald?" shouldn't be met with, "Of course not baby," if indeed that person is slowly, but surely, going bald. It should be met with, "Yes, but even if you lose every hair on your head, it will have no effect on the way that I feel about you."

I think true intimacy comes with time when two people are committed to sharing and communicating honestly with each other. When they have shared good times and bad, laughter and tears, and have come through it all stronger than they started out.

2004-08-11T20:40:00.000-07:00

Every once in a very great and rare while, you meet someone uniquely special, whose very presence makes you feel more alive, more complete, more full of the joie de vivre that makes life worth living. In their presence, you become more of the you that you always knew you were meant to be. And in their absence, everything is just a little bit off, like someone forgot to put the color in the flowers, or the smell in the coffee. Their mere presence, without uttering a word, or lifting a finger, is more enjoyable than the most delicious food, the most humorous joke, or the most beautiful sunset. In their presence, delicious foods become memorable, laughter comes from a deeper place in the soul, and sunsets take on a kind of magic. I am fortunate to have someone so uniquely special in my life...like a candle that burns both steady and bright, for a very, very, very long time...

2004-08-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

What I Do and Don't Want
One of the things that I like best about myself is that I know what I want, and what I don't want. I have always been very clear in that respect. Unfortunately, knowing what I want doesn't always get me what I want. For instance, I know what I want in a man... intelligence, sense of humor, talent, a good heart and a kind spirit. A tall order for sure. And I actually found a man who fits the bill. Sounds too perfect. Too good to be true. Unfortunately, there is one catch. He is apparently still thinking about someone else. Something that I definitely don't want. I've been down that road, and I refuse to go down that road again.

Other things I don't want.

Heartache
Pain
Drama
Anxiety
Fear
Confusion
Frustration
Depression
Loneliness

Other things I do want;

To be his one and only love
Unconditional Love
Honesty
Loyalty
Truth
Friendship
Good times
Happiness
Success
Peace

Why does wanting to be the only one woman in his heart and on his mind seem to be asking for too much? It wouldn't hurt so much if it weren't for the fact that the past couple of months have been so good. But apparently not good enough to keep his thoughts from straying back to her...

I wish love wasn't so complicated... Maybe I should just buy a dog...

2004-08-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

The WRAP
Well we wrapped on the shoot. Then came the drudgery of painting, cleaning and restoring the location to it's original condition. This is when everyone on the crew disappears except a precious few. Thanks Jason and Conan for sticking in there. And thanks to Mark for helping out. It was pure torture! Long, long hours of endless work. But now it's finished. On to pick-up shots, editing and the joys of post-production.

Also in post-production with Blurred Vision. And 12 Hours. All these projects to finally finish. And starting on the next one... a great little script that I'm very excited about... a haunted house script that I am co-writing with my friend Michael Lovaglia, a very talented actor, and I may even star in it too. How fun will that be? Looking forward to it. Starting pre-production all over again, with only a day or two break in between.

LOVE
Love is a little scary sometimes... I know that he loves me. He's my best friend. We have great times together. But right now, I feel like a complete idiot. After all we have been through together, he is still thinking of her. If I can't be the only girl in his heart and on his mind, then I can't be his girl. If after all we have shared, he is still drawn back to her, then maybe we don't have what I thought we had. Maybe I was wrong to think that time would change things...

2004-08-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

APES
I have always had a fascination for apes... gorillas especially. I think it all started when I was at the zoo, watching the gorillas, and there was one male gorilla standing very close, staring back at me with an angry intensity and an intelligence that startled me. It dawned on me in that moment that these creatures were much too intelligent to be imprisoned in a zoo. Gorillas have been tested to have IQ's between 70 and 95. With 100 being the mean average intelligence quotient of the human being, that would mean that there are some gorillas that are more intelligent than some human beings. They share many of the same emotions and abilities. Gorillas that have been raised to learn to speak with sign language have vocabularies containing as many as a thousand words, and seem to have a great understanding of concepts and ideas. Following is a collection of photos that shows how amazing these animals really are. Also included are some photos of Orangutangs, equally amazing.

These photos show the intelligence obvious in their eyes:

Their amazing strength and power:

Their sense of family devotion;

This little guy looks terrified about something!

This guy is obviously a character...

2004-07-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

My baby's finally back home! Enfin! I missed him so much when he was gone, that I am like a man dying of thirst who finally gets water! I can't seem to get enough of his presence.

One more day of filming, and we are wrapping this shoot. Can't wait to see all the footage. I think we have some good stuff. We are in the final days, and the crew is very tired, and somewhat grumpy. But everyone is still doing a great job. Our actors are pretty amazing, and I am blown away by the dedication of a few very hardworking people in the crew.

Love this old Coke ad...

Last night my daughter woke me up with a phone call... she had found a bird with a broken wing on the sidewalk, and brought it home. I rushed home to help her with the bird. It seems to be doing okay other than the broken wing. Hopefully soon, I can take it to a vet or something... I'm no expert on fixing broken wings. Although I did find this website on fixing birds with broken wings:

How to Fix a Broken Wing
http://www.duckpolice.org/BirdWeb/PigeonResourceWeb/brokenwing.html

2004-07-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

BRAIN DEAD
I am brain dead from exhaustion. Long hot, sweaty days filled with all the details of producing a microbudget film... from locations, film permits, insurance certificates and special endorsements, scheduling actors for auditions, auditioning actors, selecting extras, working with the AD on the continuously changing schedule, listening to and handling crew complaints, making sure craft services is stocked, that food is served on time, that everyone shows up, replacing those that don't show up, ensuring that actors don't go overtime, that we have enough film stock, helping the production designer, hiring a continuously disappearing set decorating crew with no money to pay them, paying the paid crew, keeping the books, trying desperately to stay under budget, etc., etc., etc.. And yet, I'm thoroughly enjoying all of this. So I must ask myself, what the hell is wrong with me? But in the end, it's all worthwhile when you see the finished product. Plus, I have a great crew. Good people, all working hard, pulling together with the desire to make something great!

BABY ANIMALS
I have a big weakness for babies and animals. So you can imagine that I really go gaga for baby animals. So here are a few pictures that I couldn't resist of incredibly adorable baby animals that I must share with you.

Can anyone guess what kind of animal this is? Funnylooking and cute... the baby wombat!

I want to take this guy home with me. He's so cute and cuddly.

Or who can resist three adorable newly born tigers?

Okay, nobody could say this guy isn't cute!!

These two twin orangutangs would be as fun as a barrel of moneys...

Okay, enough of the baby animals.... I'm going to bed now. All alone, since my sweetheart is till out of town. Good night.

2004-07-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

AIN'T NO SUNSHINE
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
It's not warm when he's away
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and he's always gone too long
Anytime he goes away

Los Angeles isn't the same since he left town. The sun doesn't shine as bright. Nothing is quite as exciting when I can't share it with him. But soon he'll be enjoying the beauty of the beaches of Puerto Rico, and then finally home again.

Here is a great artist I found by the name of Adam Stone. I like this painting. It reminds me of me. Check out his work at http://www.adamstone.com

We finally start shooting tomorrow after two days of delay. I'm excited. Can't wait for the camera to start rolling....!!!!

2004-07-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

IMPOSSIBLE... is a word found only in the vocabulary of fools.

Or so I keep repeating to myself these days. It is NOT impossible to produce a feature length film on a micro-budget, but it is challenging!

Four days to production. We finally locked the location today. Whewwhhh! And the crew's in place. We have an AWESOME crew! I thank my lucky stars. I have no idea how we managed to find such a great crew with so little money. I think it's a sad reflection of filmmaking in LA today, that there are so many great filmmakers out of work that they are willing to work for peanuts, or craft services in this case, or maybe it's because it's such a great project! It is, really. That's why I'm here. That and the opportunity. It certainly isn't the money!

Anyways, I'm pretty excited. The project is shaping up pretty good. And like Mark once said to me, "the camera doesn't know how much money you have." This is true. We are making a film that will look a million bucks on a few measley dollars and a lot of hardwork, sweat and talent! Here is a link to more information about Stations.

Here's a mouse with the right attitude!?!

2004-07-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

The Donkey In The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided
the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just
wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was
astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as
the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting
out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles
is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from
septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.

2004-06-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

LIFE...
Has been very busy lately. A good busy. Full of life. I just realized something recently. I feel most alive when I'm out of my comfort zone. Pushing the limits. I think that that is when we accomplish the most, grow the most and become who we are supposed to be... by getting out of our comfort zone, and taking a risk. Yeah, my bank account is pretty low, but I'm happy. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's a good thing.

How many people pass up their dreams because they are afraid? What will happen if they leave the comfy job that pays well, but kills their soul just a little bit every day? And eventually, their soul is dead and they hate life, but hey, they've managed to make the mortgage payment. I would rather wake up at 80 years of age, with no money in the bank, and no physical possessions, but also no regrets. To know that I pushed the limits, that I did everything that I wanted to do. That I took a chance and lived life to its absolute fullest.

A few pictures taken lately...living life, and sharing it with one of my favorite people.

Mark and Me...on my birthday at El Cholo

Mark and Me... hiking last Sunday with Mark's sister Shawn, who was in town for a visit.

2004-06-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

A little humor to keep things in perspective...

Things aren't always what they seem...

2004-06-07T00:40:00.000-07:00

The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Often I have wondered about the choices that I have made in my life, and where I might be had I made different choices, taken different paths. And yet the choices that I have made seemed to me to be the only choice that I could make given my state of heart and mind at that particular moment in time. After learning from "mistakes", and seeing things in hindsight, I can honestly say that I would make a few different choices given a second go-around. A few things I would do the same again. But do I regret any choices? No. I am who I am, and where I am right now because of those choices; because of the lessons I learned from those choices. And though I know that I am not quite yet where I want to be, at least I am assured that I am on the right path, and getting there is only a matter of time. And I am thankful that I went down the road that led me to a very special person in my life. That has made all the difference.

2004-06-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday and yet I feel all alone. I don't know why. I know that I'm not alone. I have friends, family, and a certain special someone who loves me. But sometimes I'm not sure if there is anyone in the world, including those closest to me, who really knows the true me; the me that is deep inside, below the surface, below the social niceties; the raw personality of me. Or maybe I have a fear that if were to expose the one I love most to the real me, would they still love me? My whole life I have been somewhat of a rebel. Not a true rebel. I don't think I've had the courage to be a true rebel. But I've always been on the verge of being a nonconformist. Not to the point of being on the outside of society, but just on the verge. But my true nature is a complete rebel. A complete noncomformist. So does that mean that I have never had the courage to be who I truly am? And therefore no one knows who I truly am?

And I'm a mom. That has always been a source of conflict. I'm supposed to be setting an example for my children to live in a society that completely goes against the grain of who I am. How do you do that? To offer stability in a society that demands that you abide by its rules, when the core of who I am wants to go against the grain, to fight back, to live outside of society's ignorant demands. At the same time, to teach them true values; what is truly important in this life. Relationships, love, kindness, compassion for one another.

I believe that most people in this world are lonely. Loneliness comes from being unable to completely connect with another human being. That is what every person is seeking, and most people never find. And when we do find it, sometimes it scares the hell out of us, and we run away from it. Or we are so afraid of losing a person, or being rejected by them, that we reject them first.

True intimacy is rare. Because it takes courage to open your soul; to trust another person enough to let them see the depths of who you are; without fear of rejection when those vulnerable places are exposed. Maybe that is why I feel all alone. I have never had the experience of true intimacy. To tear down the walls that separate and protect us from another. To share one's soul with another totally and completely, no holding back. And as much as I want to have that experience, and feel that I am ready for true intimacy, I must admit that it still terrifies me!

James Dean & Natalie Wood in Rebel Without A Cause

2004-05-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that maybe I am too judgemental. I meet someone and make an immediate judgement of who they are, and what they are about. I think I need to keep more of an open mind. Sometimes people surprise you.

Today is a day of cleaning house, re-evaluating my life, looking for a new job, being thankful that I am no longer prostituting myself for money in a corporate job that I hated. Now I can say it out loud. Shell Vacations Sucks! Their product sucks! The people that run it are morally corrupt and don't care about their customers! There I've said it! I feel better now.

I'm also thankful for wonderful people in my life, and thankful to be in love. It's amazing how much one person can add to your life, or could take away from your life if they were to depart. Somehow the sun shines brighter, and I feel more alive when he is in my life. It makes me laugh that my heart skips a beat when he calls me "baby", or when I know I'm going to see him soon.

I recently started reading a really good book called Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho that tells a story of prostitution. The concept of prostitution and how people prostitute themselves in various ways to the point of selling their very soul and yet still judge those who prostitute their bodies has always intrigued me. In the foreword of this book is an ancient script, written in the third or fourth century B.C. as a Hymn to Isis, discovered in Nag Hammadi, and acts as a reminder that we are all interconnected; we are all one. The best of us has a part of the worst of us inherent in us. And the worst of us has a part of the best of us.

For I am the first and the last
I am the venerated and the despised
I am the prostitute and the saint
I am the wife and the virgin
I am the arms of my mother
I am barren and my children are many
I am the married woman and the spinster
I am the woman who gives birth and she who never procreated
I am the consolation for the pain of birth
I am the wife and the husband
I am the sister of my husband
And he is my rejected son
Always respect me
For I am the shameful and the magnificent one

Isis, in Egyptian mythology, goddess of fertility and motherhood.

2004-05-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

Which Came First — The Chicken Or the Egg?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Doc

2004-05-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

So Close and Yet So Far
It feels so strange to see him, and be so close, and yet so far away. The whole of my being yearns to reach out and touch him. Natural instincts must be restrained and withheld. Lips that I can no longer kiss. Hands that I can no longer hold. His eyes pull at my heart. I mourn what I miss. Yet I would choose to be near him as his friend only, than to lose him altogether.

Yeah, okay, I have a big weakness for these old comics. They are pretty cool, huh?

Or how's this one from www.samcci.comics.org

2004-05-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'M NOT IN LOVE

I'm not in love, so don't forget it.
It's just a silly phase I'm going through.
And just because I call you up,
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made.
I'm not in love, no no, it's because...
I like to see you, but then again,
that doesn't mean you mean that much to me.
So if I call you, don't make a fuss -
don't tell your friends about the two of us.
I'm not in love, no no, it's because...

I keep your picture upon the wall.
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there.
So don't you ask me to give it back.
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me.
I'm not in love, no no, it's because...
Ooh, you'll wait a long time for me.
Ooh, you'll wait a long time.
I'm not in love, I'm not in love...

What exactly is being in love? What makes you fall in love with someone? According to author Joe Beam, writer of "Becoming One", the first step in falling in love with someone is physical attraction to someone. The second step to truly falling in love is developing emotional intimacy once you have gotten to know someone.

According to a study of couples that was conducted over a ten year period, most couples fall in and out of love many times throughout the life of their relationship. But what was really interesting in this study was that the couples that were "madly in love" in the first couple of years, or who experienced "love at first sight" were usually the first ones to divorce in that critical first seven years of the relationship. The conclusion of the study was that this was due to the fact that these couples were more in love with the idea of who that person was than the actuality of who they were. It was the couples who built relationships on friendship and mutual respect that endured the test of time.

The following is an excerpt from "Love Is No Guarantee" by author Peter Hector:
"Let’s look at an explanation of love; there are many, but this one seems most accurate. When you love someone, you value that person highly-so highly that you have made a choice to offer your resources to nurture the one you love. You have also chosen to place her/his well-being and development as your highest priority. Yes, it is a choice, and to make a choice, you need information. Information gathering requires time. For this reason, there is no such thing as true love at first sight.

However, to offer yourself in this case does not mean to sacrifice or deprive you of resources. Most people relate “giving” to “relieving oneself of resources.” But psychologists familiar with human behavior observe that “giving love” has a different meaning. When you give love, you experience strength, joy, and aliveness.

Therefore, those who give of themselves are bestowing on another the most precious gift they have to offer: their joys, their understandings, and their love for life. To them, these things are more valuable than money, yet they are willing to give them freely. Then something wonderful happens. By giving, they enrich another’s life with the same joy, aliveness, and understanding that is a part of them. When all of these good things enhance the other person’s life, that person radiates those feelings, giving birth to a new joy, which can be shared by them both. So by giving love, people automatically receive love in return, even though they do not give it with this intention."

2004-05-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

To My Love;

LOVE IS RECKLESS
Love is reckless; not reason.
Reason seeks a profit.
Love comes on strong,
consuming herself, unabashed.

Yet, in the midst of suffering,
Love proceeds like a millstone,
hard surfaced and straightforward.

Having died of self-interest,
she risks everything and asks for nothing.
Love gambles away every gift God bestows.
Without cause God gave us Being;
without cause, give it back again.
--Rumi

This poem is one of my favorites. It describes perfect, true, unconditional love. I aspire to love perfectly, but have recently been reminded that I am not nearly there.

They say that if you really, really, really want something, you will get it. They also say that if you really, really, really don't want something, you will get it. Because what we put our attention on is what expands, whether it is positive or negative. I feel like a hypocrite, because I have always expounded on this, and yet recently I have focused on my fears and insecurities, and true to form, they expanded.

I aspire to make choices from love, and not from fear; yet I have recently been guilty of making choices from fear... a fear that wells up in me, and clutches at my heart until I can't breathe. Making choices from fear will bring you exactly what you fear most.

I pray for the strength to overcome fear. To live fearlessly and love recklessly, without reason, in the midst of suffering, risking everything, and asking for nothing...

Find all the answers to all your love problems in LOVE Problems & Advice; What Every Girl Should Know from QuasarComics.com

2004-05-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

Tough Love
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my son when he has one of "those moments".

One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. He usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our little car ride together.

I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. Its very effective!

Thanks to Rob O'Malley for that contribution!

2004-05-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

Playing Hard to Get
Sometimes I think I must have a masculine mind. Don't get me wrong, I am all woman. But my mind seems to operate a little differently than most women. I have always been more competitive, more adventurous, more ambitious, more logical, more intellectual than most women I know. At the same time, I am also very in touch with my emotions, unlike most men. And like most women, I have strong maternal instincts, and a nurturing, compassionate nature. There is one other way that I seem to be different from many women. I don't play games. I know what I want, and I never play hard to get. But then, neither do I want to chase a man. I am not the huntress. I want a man to pursue me. But if I'm interested, he won't have to pursue too hard.

What is it about the girl who plays hard to get that makes her so hard to forget? Is it the mystery; the thrill of the hunt? The idea that if you could just catch her, all your dreams would come true? The problem with the elusive girl is, that if you ever did catch her, she may not be all that your mind created her to be. You may be dreaming of fool's gold, when you already have the real thing. Why is it that what we can't have always seems to be more desirable than what we do have?

Olivia DeHavilland in "Hard to Get"

The ongoing love affair men have always had with the woman who plays
Hard To Get

2004-05-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my dear brother-in-law Mark B. who sent me the following regarding a child's take on romantic love:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." -- Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." -- Carey, age 7

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

On what falling in love is like:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

Concerning why love happens between two particular people

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

Two Forces in the Universe: Love and Fear

I wish for you .................Nothing but Love.

2004-05-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

And now the answer to that age-old question...

2004-05-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

Are The Stars Out Tonight?

There's something about the universe that completely fascinates me. That we are actually nothing more than little specks on a tiny little speck (kind of like Whoville in "Horton Hears A Who"!)

floating in an enormous universe filled with galaxies of stars, planets, mysterious blackholes and warped space. The universe is a place of amazing beauty and mystery. I am in complete awe.

For instance, check out the Bug Nebula in this picture taken recently with the NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope. Look at the incredibly complex beauty of gases surrounding one of the hottest known stars of the universe.

The Bug Nebula shows impressive walls of compressed gas, laced with trailing strands and bubbling outflows. A dark, dusty torus surrounds the inner nebula (seen at the upper right). At the heart of the turmoil is one of the hottest stars known. Despite a sizzling temperature of at least 250,000 degrees C, the star itself has never been seen, as it is hidden by the blanket of dust and shines most brightly in the ultraviolet, making it hard to observe.

Or this amazing galaxy, a mere 300-million light years from earth, 150,000 light years in diameter, making it larger than our own galaxy, the Milky Way.

Resembling a diamond-encrusted bracelet, a ring of brilliant blue star clusters wraps around the yellowish nucleus of what was once a normal spiral galaxy in this new image released on April 22, 2004 from NASA 's Hubble Space Telescope. This image is being released to commemorate the 14th anniversary of Hubble's launch on April 24, 1990 and its deployment from the space shuttle Discovery on April 25, 1990. The galaxy, cataloged as AM 0644-741, is a member of the class of so-called 'ring galaxies.' It lies 300 million light-years away in the direction of the southern constellation Dorado.

On those days when I get caught up in my own personal dramas, carried away with my own petty little worries, I like to think about the universe. It puts everything back into perspective.

2004-05-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

WEIRD ANIMAL HUMOR
I am somewhat of an animal freak. I have a weakness for children and animals. I get weird and talk baby-talk. So, okay, I'm a little strange, but I can't help it. Anyways, I have been collecting funny animal photos for a while, and thought I'd share some of them here.

This guy is just too cool for words.

This is a great advertisement for Coke. Even chipmunks drink Coke! A whole new market.

Evil Frog Making Evil Plans

This kangaroo doesn't look happy having his sex life interrupted; the kid's lucky he didn't get punched!

Elephant Cunnilingus?!

Someone really pissed this guy off!

I don't usually like staged photos, but this one is pretty funny. I think he's gonna go for it.

Who says Cats & Dogs can't get along? These two are obviously pretty intimate!

I just love this little guy's face!

Apparently he didn't read the sign.

And a few words on the wisdom of children...

A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning
Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents
Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box
Better late than . . . pregnant

2004-05-04T16:38:00.000-07:00

Last night was memorable. Mark and I went for a hike in Runyon Canyon. Amazing how you can feel like you're out of the city right there in the middle of Los Angeles. At first there were tons of people walking with their dogs. Finally after the sunset, it cleared out, and there was a magnificent view of Los Angeles at night. It was a warm balmy night, with a full moon, and I was in the best of company. It was one of those moments that you never want to end. We stayed quite a awhile, and when we finally decided to leave, the gates were locked, and we had to climb over a very high fence.

Today was an uncomfortably warm day, just like yesterday. I went grocery shopping at the usual spot, Jon's Market, dressed for warm weather, wearing my short black skirt, a short black top that ends just above my belly button, and flip flops. I am always amused by the male species, and how their heads can be turned so easily by a skirt. When I wear jeans or sweats, they look, but they don't break their necks. But there is something about a skirt that makes men look twice. It makes me laugh! Today, I even had a nice-looking man in his mid-twenties follow me to my car to ask for my number. How flattering, and no, he didn't get lucky!

Los Angeles at Night

2004-05-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have any aspirin for the heart? I could sure use some right now. I have a terrible heartache.

2004-05-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I went home around midnight in a rather depressed state of mind, and got on the computer to check my e-mail. On the computer screen, left there by my daughter, was a webpage with an article entitled "The Secret of Happiness". According to this article, the secret of happiness is to appreciate what you have. So simple. According to this article, Judaism says: "Happiness is not a happening. Happiness is a state of mind. You can have everything in the world and still be miserable. Or you can have relatively little and feel unbounded joy." "Who is rich? The one who appreciates what he has. (Talmud - Pirkei Avot 4:1)" Lately I have allowed my happiness to be influenced by the choices of others, and I have suffered. But rather than focus on what I cannot have, I shall focus on the riches that I do have. For I am truly rich in friends and family. I have lived an interesting, if somewhat unusual life, and I have been blessed with many gifts and talents. I am thankful that I know what I want in this life. I may or may not be able to have everything exactly as I want it right now, but I must trust that what is meant to be, will be.

I will focus on what my passions are in this life. What am I passionate about? The people I love. My children, who are amazing people. Jonathan is an incredibly intelligent (140 I.Q), creative, talented, tall, broad-shouldered good-looking kid (a better-looking version of Tiger Woods), with a somewhat dry, sarcastic sense of humor. He is very focused, and has taught himself the art of animation, as well as html code, java script and action scripting. Jasmine is a very bright, very beautiful young girl (she looks like a cross between Beyonce' and Alicia Keys) with more than her share of charm. Yes, and the boys are all lined up. (scary!) She is very conscientious, and also very focused. She is extremely talented in dance, and as a vocal artist. Jordan has always excelled in everything he does. He's also an incredibly intelligent(142 I.Q.), good-looking kid, straight A student in the GATE program (for gifted and talented students) who also excels in sports, is sought after by all the girls, all the guys want to be his best friend, and he is the teacher's favorite. He is also a mama's boy. He loves to hang out with me. Sounds too perfect? Well, if it makes you feel better, he also makes messes all over the house. Do I sound like the proud mom? Well, I have alot to be proud of.

I'm also proud of my friends. I have a weakness for talented, intelligent people with a great sense of humor. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Well the way to my heart is to make me laugh. I guess that's why I surround myself with people who are funny. They like me too, because I always laugh at their jokes. Some of my favorite people are: well, Mark, of course, who has an amazing sense of humor, and is also an incredibly talented, writer/director/cinematographer/artist and a good, trustworthy friend that I have always felt a deep connection to. Regardless of what choices he makes, I will always count him as one of my favorite people. Suzanne is awesome too. She is actually a stand-up comedian, and she makes me laugh everyday at work. She is one of those friends that if I didn't see her for five years, nothing would be different between us. There is a closeness that will always be there. Chris is a dear friend that I rarely get to see anymore. He is also an incredibly talented comedian who I have always felt connected to. His specialty is improv. You just never know what's going to come out of his mouth next! Richard is a new friend of mine, who is also really funny. He's also a very talented writer/producer/director, specializing in documentary films. JP is someone I connected with instantly, and I adore him. He is a pure spirit, and is passionate about life. "Life is good!", he always says in his thick french accent. Jani, my dear, dear sister, will always be someone that I love dearly. She is so funny. She is like a modern day Lucille Ball. Mark, my brother-in-law, who has been there for me through every crisis of my life, who has always made me laugh with his unique sense of humor. RJ, who I shared five years of my life with. He doesn't want my friendship anymore, but I will always cherish the memory of his friendship, and his amazing sense of humor and talent. There are many more as well, (Brian, Michael, Angie, Anne, Bozana, Kim...the list goes on). I am certainly rich in friends! Hey, I'm feeling better already! I have much to be thankful for.

2004-04-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFE
The only thing you can do to change your life, is to change yourself. It's all about the choices you make. You are responsible for your own life. Every choice you make has a consequence, good or bad. Make good choices, have a good life. Make bad choices, things may not turn out so good. Make no choices, and the choices get made for you... chances are you won't like the results. Sometimes unconscious choices made in the spur of the moment can dramatically change your life. This can be good or bad; usually bad. It is critical to make conscious choices, because unconscious choices without consideration for the consequences, can destroy relationships, and even lives. The surest road to a happy, successful life is to choose a good plan, and stick with it. The surest way to an unhappy, unsuccessful life is to make no plan at all. If you let life and the emotions of the moment carry you to wherever it will, you may not like where you end up.

You can never change another person. The fact is, very few people make any significant changes to their character in an entire lifetime. A cheater will always be a cheater. A liar will always be a liar. An honest man will always be an honest man. A selfish person will always be a selfish person.

You can never make choices for another person. Choices always have to come from within. Significant choices are made in every second of every moment of every day of every week of every year of every life. It is the sum of those choices that makes a life what it is. Sometimes the choices made by someone you love can cause you pain, and there isn't a friggin' thing that you can do about it, and if they keep making those same choices, knowing that those choices are causing you pain, then your only choice is to live with the pain or... set them free...

One example of a sometimes unconscious choice that will change your life completely

2004-04-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Blurred Vision
Still recuperating from an amazing weekend on a four day shoot with an awesome crew. We shot a short film called "Blurred Vision" written by, and starring Travis Mason. I co-produced and co-directed with Travis. I'm excited about the footage, and can't wait to get to the editing process! Yeayyyy! Much thanks to the amazing crew - from Dana "MacGyver" Kopetzky (sound recordist), Zach "The Dutchman" Bangma (boom operator), Mary "Mary Quite Contrary" Sampaio (production designer who also stood in as makeup artist last minute), Zack Richard (Gaffer), David Sheetz (Grip), Alex Gutierrez (A.D.), Tim Otholt (2nd Camera), Tylo Taylor (whatever needed to be done including building faux walls), Melissa (P.A.) and Dom Ceci (P.A.) and of course, last but certainly not least, the amazingly talented Mark Atkins as DP. Also thanks to the talented actors: Fred Warner, Jennifer Gates and Michael LoVaglia, and to Travis for getting the whole project started. Monday night was a night of true guerrilla style filmmaking. A small crew including: Dana, Zach, Mary, Alex, David, Mark, myself, Travis, Michael and Jennifer out on Lake Elsinore shooting until 3:00 a.m. Jennifer was a real trooper - she got in the water at 2:00 a.m. to play dead. And although it was a warmer than usual night, she was still freezing cold. It was an incredibly surreal night. Fortunately our grip, David, amazingly enough knew how to pick the lock on the gate so that we could drive our cars back to the shoot location. Of course the drive back home was somewhat more of a challenge, with Mark trying to make me laugh to keep me awake.

Lake Elsinore

2004-04-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

A Day In The Life of An Indie Producer
The Unedited Version
I crawl out of bed at 9:00 a.m., still half asleep, and overwhelmed by the number of things I have to do today. I go straight to the phone, still in my green satin pj's. I call the Inland Empire Film Commission. Nobody there. I leave a message. "Still waiting for that e-mail you were going to send me on Monday. This is Friday. I have to book that today for a location scout on Monday. Please send that asap. Thanks so much." I call and get everyone's insurance information for their equipment. I call Fred, one of the main characters to get his shirt size. I call Jennifer, the lead actress to get her dress size and ring size. Neither are there. I leave messages. I make 15 calls to various applicants for Production Assistant, Boom Operator and Grip. I check my e-mail. Still nothing from Inland Empire Film Commission. I disconnect the internet so I can fax the equipment list to FA. I make some coffee, but get too busy to drink it. The kids are still in bed. After all it's spring break. I look at the clock. Shit. I'm late. I rush into the bathroom, take a very quick bath, throw some clothes on, barely comb my hair, and run out the door. I'm driving too fast. There are cop cars everywhere. I slow down. My cell phone rings. It's Travis. "Where are you?" "On my way. I'll be there in five." (actually ten) "No problem". Finally pull into the Conrad's parking lot in Glendale. Pickup the insurance papers from Travis, and the production agreement. "Oh yeah, and we need a check for $500.00 for insurance, and a deposit on the credit card." My cell phone rings. Fred wears a medium, sometimes a large, if it runs small. Travis is laughing about a phone call he just got. Apparently our mutual friend Chris had his friend leave Travis a message. Travis is on his way to doing some extra work in exchange for a guaranteed SAG voucher. Well the message is pertaining to the extra work. Travis calls the guy back. "Are you the guy coming in to do some extra work today?" "Yeah, that's me". "Great. Just wanted to go over some details with you. Now the scene will be about you and this other guy. You're lovers. There will be some groping, so I hope you won't be offended by that." "What? This is a gay scene?" "Yeah, you have a problem with gays?" "Uh, no but.." "You have a problem with doing a gay scene?" "Yeah, I do." "So maybe you're the wrong guy for this job?" "Yeah I think so." Chris, you're so evil! I love it. So I jump in the car and rush back to Burbank, but I have to stop and pay a $650.00 phone bill on the way. (Ouch!) The lady behind the counter feels sorry for me. "Teenagers with cell phones", I explain. Then I stop in at Goodwill to find a dress for Jennifer. I find a really deep rich red dress that I think will work really well for her. No decent shirts for Fred though. The cashier looks like she's been behind that counter for too long. She's bored. "That's $6.99." I give her $7.00, then rush out the door. Jon's Market is across the street. I really should buy some food for the kids. I pull in, and see the Starbucks. Just what I need. I run into Starbucks, order a Venti Soy Latte. As I'm waiting, I notice that Starbucks is now giving out coffee grounds for your garden. Interesting. I wish I had a garden. I'm so thankful for my Soy Latte. I go into Jon's Market, I buy lemons and limes, fresh strawberries, apples and oranges, zucchini, onions, orange and green peppers, cilantro and italian parsley, bananas and vine-ripened tomatoes. A big tub of creamy plain yogurt, fresh tortillas, and of course, fresh Armenian bread. Oh, and I splurge. I buy a bottle of Sour Cherry syrup. The kids love it. There's an older Armenian lady behind me in the line. She has white hair that she pulls back into a bun. She doesn't speak english, but she keeps smiling at me with a very kind smile. I like her. A young Armenian girl takes my groceries out to my car. I try to tip her. She won't take it. She gives me a big smile. Where to now? The mall. Mervyns. I have to buy the slate blue t-shirt for Fred. I'm still driving too fast. I run into Mervyn's. The men's section. How about this one? Nope. Too light. Here's one. It's perfect. I take it to the checkout counter. The cashier is stressed. Two cash registers are making incredibly annoying beeping sounds. I remind myself that I won't have to be here long. Another cashier comes to help. She has a very warm smile. The t-shirt is on sale. It's only $5.59. Not bad. I literally run out to the car. Gotta get home. Still have to go downtown to the FA offices. I call Mark to see if he wants to have lunch later. No answer. I leave a message. I run upstairs. Jordan is in the living room trying to get on-line. Jasmine is watching Meet Joe Black in the bedroom, and Jonathan is composing a song for his new animated film he's working on. He wants me to listen to it. It sounds like eerie clown music. It's good. He's pleased. He's trying to write eerie clown music. Then I realize that Jordan can't get on line because I connected the phone line to the fax machine when I faxed the equipment list to FA this morning. I reconnect the internet for him. Then I tell them, "there's food in the car". The next thing I know I'm alone. They're all getting the food out of the car. Food being the magic word here. I hardly eat any of the hundreds of dollars worth of food that I buy every week. The phone rings. It's Mark. He just woke up. Yeah let's have lunch. How about an hour from now? Sure. See you then. That gives me an hour to rush downtown, find parking, go through all the documentation with Tracy, and then drive to Hollywood. Oh, and I have to put some makeup on. Quickly. I do a five minute makeup, give everyone hugs and kisses good-bye. By now they are all chowing down on the Strawberries and armenian bread. Love you, see you later. I'm downtown, I find parking right next to the building. The attendant seems like a really nice guy. I sign in at the front desk. Thank God the elevators are working. Seventh floor. Run down the hall. Tracy looks happy to see me. She smiles really big. She tells me about her short film that she is just finishing up. She wants to show it to me. Sure I'd love to see it. We walk down the hall to the editing suite. It's a great little film about two guys with umbrellas who start fencing, and then their imagination transports them back to old times with real swords. Then we go over the insurance paperwork, the check, the credit card form, the production agreement. It's all good. Can I e-mail you the list of people for insurance certs? Sure, no problem. Great. Gotta run. It's almost 2:30. I was supposed to meet Mark at 2:00. I finally get back on the road. Traffic, great. I call Mark. Busy signal. He's probably on the internet. I finally get to Hollywood at 2:45. I call from the phone downstairs. Still busy. I call his cell phone. I'll be right down. Five minutes later I see his face, and I feel something is wrong. I get flashes of an e-mail. Her maybe? Is he still thinking about her? Erica, don't jump to conclusions. He gets in the car, and gives me that look I love, as if he carries his soul in his eyes. Where to go? California Chicken Cafe? Nah. Poquito Mas sounds good. Too far. Baja Fresh? It's close. I guess that will work. I pickup feelings from Mark. He is depressed. Yesterday he seemed fine. What happened? We sit down to eat outside. He's frustrated about his car, the editing, not feeling like he's getting anywhere. But there's something else too. Something he's not saying. I say, "Is there something else bothering you? Or is it just feeling like you can't get ahead?" "Just frustrated." We drive over to see if that Saab is still parked on Fuller. Nope. Not there. I ask him if he got my e-mails. He says he saw the e-mail about The Virginian, and he agrees. They do look alike. We laugh about it. Then I drive him over to the book store next to the Viper Room, so he can look up director and DP agencies. Friday afternoon traffic is a nightmare. I have to go straight to work. Supposed to be there at 4:00, I get there at 5:08. I change in the car. Inundated with phone calls in my office, and e-mails. Michael is back. He comes into my office to tell me about his trip to Las Vegas, how he thought he had Scarlett Fever, but it turns out that it wasn't. Thank God. Richard stops in to tell me about his trip out to the desert with his brother. He jokes about how he should stop dying his hair grey and white, and how he really should stop plucking the hairs out of his head, making his hair thin, and just go back to his normal head of full brown hair. He has such a great sense of humor. Suddenly we get a couple of deals and I get busy. On my way to getting a cup of coffee, my dearest friend Suzanne gives me a heartfelt hug, and tells me about her trip to New York. I tell her about my daughter's night out. She sympathizes. I go back to my office. It hits me then. He's still reading her blog. I know it. Just a feeling. I get on-line and I go to her blog. I read "Mark referred me to a very cool graphic designer/photographer’s site today. Check out Richie Fahey’s neo-retro." Suddenly my heart drops about 100 feet into hell. I so wanted to be wrong. I just showed Richie Fahey's site to Mark last week. It feels like betrayal. That was my cool find.

I think I understand why Mark is drawn to her. She represents gothic glamour; intellectual sexuality; the elusive, sultry jewish taxi-dancer that is always just out of reach. She beckons to him from the dark, while I beckon to him from the light. Sometimes the dark can seem much more interesting. But I've been there; entangled in the claustrophobic clutches of jealousy, compulsion, fascination, obsession. Once you're in its grasp, it draws you down, down, down. You can lose sight of everything; your dreams, your goals. It drains your energy, ambition, takes away your joie de vivre. You can get lost in it.

Two more deals come in. I sit stone-faced in my office, trying to smile and be cool. It doesn't go over very well. Dina, the salesperson who got the last deal asks me what's wrong after the client's leave. Oh, I just feel like an idiot. It's just feelings I get. I could be wrong. But I know I'm not. She sympathizes. She just got back with her boyfriend last week. She was in emotional turmoil only two weeks ago. She gives me a hug. "Don't call him. Wait for him to call you." We get out early. I could actually go out and do something. I feel like shit. I'll just go home. I drive home, dragging my heart behind me. I pull into the parking garage, and in dismay, I see my exhusbands car parked in my spot. I back out. What now? I break down and I call Mark's cell. No answer. I don't leave a message. I have no more self-control when it comes to him, than he does when he comes to her, I chide myself. I drive up to the foothills. I want to go for a hike. It's almost midnight now. I just need to be alone, to figure it out. Everything was going so well. I thought maybe he was over her at last. I meditate. Need to let go of the pain. Need to think clearly. It's not like he would ever be physically unfaithful, only with his heart. A thought flashes: I don't want his body if I can't have his heart too. Maybe I could be wrong. Couldn't I be wrong? I'm not wrong. I'm never wrong about these things. Sometimes I hate getting these little psychic insights. Oh to be blissfully ignorant. Lovers drive up and park next to me, looking for a place for romance. I leave. I drive home. Fortunately the ex's car is gone. Jonathan is watching Swimfan. Jasmine is watching Jerry Macguire. Jordan is spending the night with his friend. I take a hot bath. I check my e-mail. Still nothing from the Inland Empire Film Commission. There's an e-mail from the production designer. We need to get together next week to take the photos. I'll be out of town this weekend. The phone rings. It's Mark. It's 1:00 a.m. Should I answer it? No. Yes. No. I answer it. "Hi." "Hi. I'm out with Steven Ritchie, Rick, Jeff Williams and Colin. Everyone's asking about you. Where's Erica? and Don. He wants to work on the film next week as a PA." "Great. Sounds like you're having fun." "Yeah. Just wanted to see if you were still up to coming out with us." "Naah. Gotta get up at 9:00 tomorrow. But thanks for asking. I called you about an hour and a half ago" "Yeah, I didn't hear my phone ring, and then I saw that you had called. I haven't checked the message yet." "I didn't leave a message". When someone calls at 1:00 a.m. to ask you to join them, are they truly sincere? If it were anyone but Mark I'd say no. "Well you're working tomorrow during the day right? Give me a call if you want to get together tomorrow night." "Sure. I'll call you tomorrow. Have a good night. Tell everyone I said hi." He knows something's wrong. I put my satin pajamas on and get in bed. My daughter is still watching Jerry Maguire. I hear "Show me the money" "I love black people". "Honey, can you finish watching that tomorrow, please? I need to get some sleep." I lie down, wishing that my heart didn't feel like it was made of lead, sinking to the floor beneath my bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Me & Mark on New Year's Eve The Virginian
Okay, you be the judge. They do look alot alike don't they?

2004-04-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

You come to love not by finding the perfect person,
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

2004-04-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

The Mysteries of the Universe
When I see incredible beauty such as the Orion Nebula, I realize how small and insignificant are the problems of this earth. I just want to get lost in such beauty.

The Orion Nebula, in all its glory

You want to feel really insignificant? Follow this link: &CI=&OP=h100;">

2004-04-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me how one person can have such an incredible impact on my emotions. My heart can go from dizzying heights of ecstasy to the deepest, darkest fathoms of agony in less than a second. One unfortunate piece of news is enough to send my heart to the depths of hell. This is highly unusual for me. I am typically very even keeled. I have always prided myself on my ability to never get stressed. Not so now. Now my heart seems to be on a rollercoaster ride of unpredictable chaos. So am I enjoying the ride? Hell yeah! Of course, I am actually only enjoying the dizzying heights of ecstasy, but unfortunately, nothing can exist without its opposite. Hopefully, things will eventually settle into an even bliss.

Ecstasy & Agony

(Actually, The Abduction of Psyche & Biblis by William Bouguereau)

2004-04-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

This is one of those days where I smile, but only with my mouth. Where I laugh, but without any joy. I'm amazingly good at it. I'm surrounded by people, and none of them have a clue. It would take someone who knows me very well to see the pain oozing from every pore. Oh, darkest days of my heart, why can't he let her go? I pray that he can, because if he can't, then I have no choice but to let him go. My heart has suffered enough.

2004-04-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

Unrequited Love is A Bitter Cup
"Yet again have I given my heart to someone whose heart belongs to someone else. How did this happen? I was certain this time would be different. In my defense, I did not know that his love belonged to someone else when my heart fell. In his defense, he is no longer in her embrace. However, that is no comfort to me. I am too familiar with the disease that has stricken humanity. If there is something we cannot have, it is certain that we will want it, and the more we cannot have it, the more we will want it, until it becomes the one thing that we desire above all else. How can I compete with that? It would be better for me if she were to declare her undying love, and then let time and reality provide an even playing ground wherein love would eventually show its true face.

Mine are the lips that he kisses, but hers are the lips that he desires. He lies within my embrace, but would be gone in an instant if she were but to call his name. So what am I to do? For what is life without love? And when one is in love, one must love. "Woe is me", cries my heart. "This is not fair. Have I not tasted enough of sorrow, pain and bitter disappointment to last through several lifetimes?" Perhaps. But neither life nor love have ever claimed to be fair. Unrequited love is a bitter cup, when what I sought was a love, pure, simple and sweet and not bitter. But that is not the love that has been offered. There are no lessons to be learned without pain. And we always bring to ourselves the lessons that we must learn. So what is the lesson herein? My spirit answers simply, "To learn to love unconditionally, and be unattached to the outcome." Why would I choose such a lesson? Unconditional love means to love regardless of whether one is being loved in return. There can be no conditions. Unattachment to the outcome, meaning that regardless of what may come, we may not be attached to any particular outcome. My ego cries out, "This is ridiculous. How can we love if the one we love is thinking of and wanting to be with someone else? How can we be unattached to some kind of commitment and show of love in return for our love?" Ego, step aside. You can do nothing but harm here. I know that the outcome may be disastrous for my heart, but if I can truly embrace and learn this lesson, I will be far richer, and have far more to offer humanity."

I wrote the above in December when I first discovered that the man I love was in love with someone else. Needless to say, my heart has suffered a rollercoaster ride in the past few months. Has anything changed? I thought so, but perhaps not. But in these months, I have at last come to the realization that unconditional love does not require my heart to be sacrificed on the cross of unrequited love. Unconditional love does not require me to settle for being his second choice. And if I truly love him unconditionally, then I will want for him that which will make him happy, even if what makes him happy takes him away from me. If I am his lover, it will be nearly impossible for me to wish for him to be with another, even if that is what he desires. So must I choose to love him without condition as a friend only? Je ne sais pas. Only time will tell. Loving unconditionally I can do. Unattachment to the outcome is the true challenge here.

2004-04-01T00:51:00.000-08:00

My passion for life goes deep. So far I have been very fortunate. And it just keeps getting better. I know that we bring in to our lives that which we desire. What we put our focus on is what expands in our life. Right now my heart is full of gratitude for what life has brought me, and what life continues to bring me. That doesn't mean that every moment will be easy. There will always be struggle. For the passion of life includes pain and suffering as well as pleasure. For in a world of opposites, nothing can exist without its opposite. There can be no pleasure without pain. There can be no love without hate. There can be no gain without loss. Therefore, while in pain's grasp, we must be thankful and not resentful, because we know that pleasure cannot exist without pain. And we must be thankful for the beauty of each fleeting moment, for one thing that we can count upon is that all things change. Nothing ever stays the same. But perhaps knowing that the perfection of this moment cannot last, just as the perfection of a budding flower cannot last, allows us a deeper appreciation of the beauty inherent in each moment. Live deeply and, drink thirstily from each moment; let not one drop of life pass by without your fullest appreciation.

2004-03-27T04:17:00.000-08:00

Tonight I lost my grandfather.

I guess I should have been expecting it. He was almost 102. But I guess you never really expect to lose someone you love. He was someone that I truly adored. I always felt so connected to him. The last time I got to spend time with him was in July 2002, at my neice's wedding. He sat behind me and kept kicking my chair throughout the wedding. Everytime I turned around, he would smile at me from ear to ear, almost flirtatiously. I loved his spirit. He had a strong spirit. I'll never forget when we all went for a picnic, it was at the bottom of a steep hill, next to the lake. When it was time to go, he picked up his chair, and headed up the hill. He was 100 years old at the time. My grandmother said, "Honey, why don't you walk around, on the sidewalk. It would be easier. That's a steep hill." My grandfather said, "Well, I'm steeper still," and kept walking straight up the steep hill, carrying his chair. My dearest grandpa, I love you and I'm going to miss you. But I know you're still here. I can feel your spirit.

My Grandfather, Russell Dalson, at about age 25 Me and my Grandfather, about four years ago. (Okay, it's a really funky picture of me, but my grandpa looks great!

2004-03-24T23:34:00.000-08:00

Life is incredibly good. I've been blessed, especially of late. There are some pretty amazing people in my life, and I feel like great things are coming... I know that if I stay focused, and work hard, I will get to where I want to be. We can bring into our lives those things that we really desire. We can make our dreams come true. It's not easy. There's pain, frustration and hardship along the way. But it is possible. Attitude is everything. Staying positive, centered, focused, and in love with life.

On a more whimsical note, I was surfing the internet last night, and found these really cool old romance novel covers.
Click here for the entire collection:

Cruel Fate Made Me The Pawn of a Great Man for I was More Than A Secretary!
I Hated His Kisses, He Bought My Love, I Was Starved for Affection, I Couldn't Say No!

And these are awesome. Never knew 007 book covers could be so cool. From www.richiefahey.com

More cool photos from www.richiefahey.com:

Here's my favorite kind of home security system:

Okay, now is this is way too cute not to post:

Follow this link for some of the greatest photos of 2003:

2004-03-17T19:32:00.000-08:00

Udo made my day again. His insistence paid off, and they brought me back to play his "other" secretary. So, okay, yeah, I was basically set dressing. But it was still a blast. Udo Kier was amazing to work with. He's alot of fun, and very down to earth. He even bought the crew beers, hung out and drank with us for a few hours. Here's to Udo!

Correction: It was actually Mark, the director, who decided to bring me back as Udo's other secretary.

Me and Udo

Director Mark Atkins and Udo Kier

2004-03-14T13:34:00.000-08:00

Udo Kier made my day today. I've been working on a film that Mark is directing for The Asylum the past few weeks. I've been doing mostly odd jobs in production, finding locations, etc. Today we were preparing to shoot a scene with Udo Kier, in which he is playing opposite a secretary. When I walked onto the set, Udo Kier said,

"Ah, you must be playing my secretary."
"No," I replied.
"But you must. I insist. You look like Rita Hayworth, and you would be perfect. I want you in the scene. I will fight for you."

The secretary was, of course, already cast, so I did not get the chance to play the secretary.

What a charming man. Like I said, he made my day.

The Charming Udo Kier

2004-03-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

My Beliefs
These beliefs correlate with what I believe to be true.

1. You are a non-physical consciousness that is experiencing physical reality.
2. You were created in the image of The Creator, your essential essence is unconditional love and the experience of ecstasy is your birthright.
3. You are here on Earth at this time because you chose to be.
4. The highest purpose of your life is to be yourself to the best of your ability and live each moment as fully as possible.
5. You always have free will and the freedom to choose.
6. Anything you can imagine is possible for you to experience.
7. You attract your life experiences through the interaction of your strongest beliefs, emotions and actions.
8. Excitement is the physical translation of the vibrational resonance that is your true, core natural being. Follow your excitement!
9. You are naturally abundant and your choices are always supported by Creation.
10. There are only Four Laws in Creation:
1. You exist.
2. The One is All and the All are One .
3. What you put out is what you get back.
4. Change is the only constant...
Except for the first three laws, which never change.
11. There is actually only one moment in Creation. Everything you experience is the same moment from a different point of view.
12. You create the past and the future from the here and now.
13. You are an eternal being and while you may change your form, you cannot cease to exist.
14. Everything you experience is another aspect of yourself.
15. You are loved so unconditionally by Creation that you can even choose to believe that you are not loved.

2004-03-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

Why is it so easy for me to express my thoughts and feelings in the written word, here, of all places, for the entire world to view, should it so desire, when it is so difficult for me to express those feelings to the one person who inspires them? What would happen if I were to fearlessly risk it all, spilling all the vulnerable contents of my heart? Would I taste the sweetness of love’s victory, or would I meet with heartbreaking defeat? I know that I have his respect, his affection, his friendship. But does his heart skip a beat, as mine does, when my name shows up on his caller i.d., and he hears my voice on the phone? Do I fill his thoughts and his heart? Or is that spot still reserved for Her? Should I take the advice of my closest friends, cut my losses, walk away, live to love another day? Or do I bravely risk it all, and embrace love with all the fearlessness and passion that my heart can muster? Why is love so complicated? All I desire is a simple love, uncomplicated and sweet, and not painful. Perhaps it would be simpler, easier, if I chose to be his friend only, and not his lover. It would certainly be safer for my heart. But do I want a life that is safe, taking no risks in order to lose nothing, but then gaining nothing either. I do love him, and for sure, it is a love intended for more than friendship. I ask myself, what is it that draws me so? Why has my heart has become so attached? For sure, he has an admirable mind, a wonderful sense of humor, more talent than any man has a right to, and a gentleness to his spirit that speaks to mine. But what really gets me every time are his eyes. Not the look of them, although they are beautiful eyes. It’s what I see in the depths of them that has taken hold of my heart. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. There is something very familiar about his soul; perhaps I have known him before. I feel as if I know the depths of him. But ultimately the question is, do I have a choice? If his heart still belongs to someone else, then I have no choice but friendship. So after all that, all I can do is wait and see… Damn!

Something in these eyes...

2004-02-28T16:38:00.000-08:00

What I Want From My Life
To laugh often
To sing and dance, and celebrate life with true friends and family
To use my talents to make a difference in the world
To have inner peace and gratitude
To share my life, make love and grow old with a good man
To be One with God

2004-02-26T23:23:00.000-08:00

This is a picture from an article called "The Rescuing Hug."
The article details the first week of life of a set of twins.
Apparently, each were in their own respective incubators,
and one was not expected to live.
A hospital nurse fought against hospital rules
and placed the babies in one incubator.
When they were together, the healthier of the two babies
threw an arm over her sister in an endearing embrace.
The smaller baby's heart rate stabilized and her
temperature rose to normal.

Let us not forget to embrace those whom we love
and never underestimate the power of a hug.

Hug someone today!

Share this "hug" with someone . . .
click here.

2004-02-25T22:46:00.000-08:00

"...fear is the self-imposed block to the awareness of love's presence. When fear is released, love is revealed" from Emissary of Love by James Twyman
I know this, and yet still I have fear. Why? Why can't I just let it go. Why am I afraid of loving and not being loved in return? I know that love is it's own reward. So is it my ego that wants to know that I am loved by another? How do I get past this oh-so-human trait of wanting to hear those words "I love you" from another one so loved? And why is it so hard for me to say those words, when they are felt so deeply? Is it fear that keeps my mouth closed, and the words stifled? I'm certain that my eyes must betray my heart, because I cannot look upon him without feeling love.