11.15.2005
I'm ending this blog which should have correctly been entitled "The Blog of Unrequited Love", as that seems to have been the recurring theme. I'm ending this blog, as this chapter of my life has come to an end.
From now on, I'm only accepting requited love into my life, and am certain that I will be much happier!
I still believe that we are responsible for our own lives. That each decision we make in each moment has an impact on our life. In the end, how good or bad our life has been depends on the decisions we made in a thousand different moments. Nothing is in stone. We can change the direction of our lives at any moment. We can always make a different choice.
Happiness is a choice. Pain is a choice. Depression is a choice. We control our thoughts, and our thoughts control our emotions, and our actions. If we allow our base nature to lead us, it will lead us down a very dark path. But if our higher thoughts control us, then it will lead us down a path to happiness and fulfillment.
Where my life will go from here, I don't really know. I have many dreams that are still unfulfilled, and many places that I want to travel. The world is full of interesting people, and whether I am alone, or with someone I love, I plan to have a good life, full of laughter and love. I'm going to leave the darkness behind, where it belongs. In the past.
From now on, I'm only accepting requited love into my life, and am certain that I will be much happier!
I still believe that we are responsible for our own lives. That each decision we make in each moment has an impact on our life. In the end, how good or bad our life has been depends on the decisions we made in a thousand different moments. Nothing is in stone. We can change the direction of our lives at any moment. We can always make a different choice.
Happiness is a choice. Pain is a choice. Depression is a choice. We control our thoughts, and our thoughts control our emotions, and our actions. If we allow our base nature to lead us, it will lead us down a very dark path. But if our higher thoughts control us, then it will lead us down a path to happiness and fulfillment.
Where my life will go from here, I don't really know. I have many dreams that are still unfulfilled, and many places that I want to travel. The world is full of interesting people, and whether I am alone, or with someone I love, I plan to have a good life, full of laughter and love. I'm going to leave the darkness behind, where it belongs. In the past.
9.28.2005
When we're together, we're like two kids on an adventure.
He's the only person I know who really gets it; the wild flowers in spring, the excitement of finding a nest of ladybugs, 
the awesome beauty of the sunset, watching the tadpoles in spring turn into the baby frogs of early summer. The concern for the tadpoles when the puddles dried up, and the amazement when we saw hundreds of baby frogs emerge from the deep cracks in the earth, where they survived in the cool mud deep in the earth.
When we're together, walking through the woods, or by a cool stream, no words are necessary. There is understanding, connection, acceptance. We can be ourselves completely. The only problem we have comes when we re-emerge into the adult world of egos and obsessions. My ego clashes with his obsession. If we could just rid ourselves of both of those, I think we would be just fine. Life would be just one great adventure!9.08.2005
Now on a more positive note, some words from one of my favorite wise guys:
the Dalai Lama
For Good Karma, Practice A Little Bit of This Everyday!
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for other’s and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
I pray for the strength to follow these guidelines. If we all did, this world would be a different place...
the Dalai Lama
For Good Karma, Practice A Little Bit of This Everyday!
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for other’s and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
I pray for the strength to follow these guidelines. If we all did, this world would be a different place...
9.07.2005
KOKO FOR PRESIDENT!
Here is Koko at her first fundraising dinner. Her table manners were much better than our current president.
Koko entertained the fundraisers with a few songs on her keyboard. She's actually very good.
Here is a picture of Koko preparing for her first speech. Notice that she is writing the speech herself, unlike our current president.
Here is Koko reading a book about Koko and her kitten. Notice that she is reading the book right-side-up, rather than upside down, like our current president.
Koko has a vocabulary of over 1000 words, which is significantly more than our current president.
Here is Koko playing with her kitten, Smoky. She obviously has a lot of love and compassion. Unlike our current president.
So let's see, better table manners, significantly more talented, higher I.Q., writes her own speeches, can actually read a book right side up, has a better vocabulary, and a great deal more compassion. It's a no brainer. Koko gets my vote. Let's kick the idiot out!!
Here is Koko at her first fundraising dinner. Her table manners were much better than our current president.
Koko entertained the fundraisers with a few songs on her keyboard. She's actually very good.
Here is a picture of Koko preparing for her first speech. Notice that she is writing the speech herself, unlike our current president.
Here is Koko reading a book about Koko and her kitten. Notice that she is reading the book right-side-up, rather than upside down, like our current president.
Koko has a vocabulary of over 1000 words, which is significantly more than our current president.
Here is Koko playing with her kitten, Smoky. She obviously has a lot of love and compassion. Unlike our current president.
So let's see, better table manners, significantly more talented, higher I.Q., writes her own speeches, can actually read a book right side up, has a better vocabulary, and a great deal more compassion. It's a no brainer. Koko gets my vote. Let's kick the idiot out!!
BUSH BREAKS ALL RECORDS!(Thanks to Aaron for this)
• First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• In his first two years in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
• Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
• Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
• Cut the taxes of the wealthiest people in America (those making over $200,000 a year).
• Members of Bush Administration are the richest administration in history.
• First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
• Cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
• Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
• Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases.
• First president in U.S. history to attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
• Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year, made the U.S. the most resented country in the world.
• First U.S. president in history to have a majority of people in Europe (over 70%) view his presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
• In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks, he has successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
The constant comparison of Bush to monkeys is not without merit. For example, Bush's I.Q. is actually 91. There have been several monkeys who have actually scored higher on IQ tests. In fact, Koko the gorilla, has been tested with an I.Q. of 95. So they are in the same ball park intelligently speaking. Although, my personal preference would be Koko for President. She's nicer.
(By the way, our former president, Clinton, has an I.Q. of 182, exactly TWICE the intelligence of our current President. No wonder our country is in the toilet.)
7.22.2005
What I Want From My LifeTo laugh often
To sing and dance, and celebrate life with true friends and family
To use my talents to make a difference in the world
To have inner peace and gratitude
To share my life, make love and grow old with a good man
To be truly happy
To be One with God
This is truly what I want in my life, and I shall not settle for anything less. I want to focus on the good things in my life. Turn my focus away from the things in my life that are causing me pain. Spend more time in meditation, laughing with friends, using my creative talents, making a difference.
Sometimes you have to let go of what has been in order to receive what will be. Sometimes relationships have to change in order to move forward. I have to learn to let go of expectations, impossible wishes. Be unattached to the outcome. That is the real secret of happiness. Being unattached to any particular outcome. I have to learn to be happy no matter what, because I cannot control the choices of other people. And I cannot allow other peoples choices to dictate and destroy my happiness.7.21.2005
"I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish... be deliriously happy. But love is passion, obsession. Someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy, who can love you the same way back. How do you find that? You forget your head, and listen to your heart.
...The truth is, there's no point in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike." Who knows? Maybe lightning could strike... !
7.20.2005
I looked at his peaceful, sleeping face, and I made a wish. A wish that I have wished so many times that now it seems a hopeless wish. The face that I know and love so well. The lips I have kissed so many times. Will I ever be able to kiss those lips again without thinking of those lips kissing her? Wanting her?I used to think I knew him so well. We had such a deep, soul connection. But now I'm not sure if I know him at all. The choices that he made, the words that he wrote... to her... the lies that he said to me...broke my heart. Breaks my heart still. Is there any hope for my wish, for our love? Was any of what we shared real? And if it was, how could he? He loved me, but he saved his passion for her.
Nothing is different, and everything is different. Nothing has changed, and everything has changed. There must be dramatic change if there is to be any hope.
Life is too short to settle for love without passion. "She wanted bigger love, Had to have it like she had to dream herself to sleep."
7.19.2005
A man stood before the great journey of self. He stood in the doorway of his own being. Every time he was sure of a decision to change, his fears were like a world ocean, which would not allow him to take the first step and cross. Finally he asked, “How does one begin?” “How does one let go?”A cool breeze blew down from the breath of the fields around him. He closed his eyes and gently bowed his head. When he looked up , there before him appeared a woman, clothed in the emerald gowns of the field and speaking with the gentle voice of Eden. She looked into the valleys of his heart and said…
Before each transition is a bridge
Before each journey is a step
Before each change there is the will
Before each love there is the rising heart
The woman took his hand and continued…
Let us return from sickness unto health
Let us return from sorrow unto joy
Let us return to the path and become holy
Let us return from the self and become one
There are many bridges and many paths, but…
The first step begins with you
The first step begins with hope
The first step begins with the change
The first step is the one that is hardest and matters the most
And then, for the first time he looked into his own heart and felt his own rising sprit and merging into a union with the Great Divine. He reached out to touch the face of the woman, but she disappeared into the breath of the wind and into her place a Golden Bridge appeared before the waters around him and letting go of fear within himself he took the first step.~Eric S. Kingston
JUST COFFEEShe wanted bigger love,
Had to have it like she had to dream herself to sleep.
Recrossed her legs and waited for his tears.
When they came, she held his hand,
Pretended to be interested in someone walking by their table.
~Art & Poetry by Viggo Mortensen
7.18.2005
"I just want to be left alone.
I just want to be sitting
alone in the garden,
with my thoughts... and my self.
My own... sweet self..."
-Irascible
7.15.2005
I used to look in the mirror and really like the person that I saw reflected there. I was happy. I was confident. I was invincible. I could do anything.
Now...
I'm not sure if I like the person in the mirror.
I'm not sure that I even know that person.
The events of the past year and a half drained my spirit.
I was devoured and consumed by the Green-Eyed Monster.
I allowed myself to believe the myth that if the one you love values someone else more, than that someone else must be more valuable.
I was focused on the negative, and that was what expanded in my life.
I wasn't true to myself, and lost sight of who I am.
Now I have to take some time out from everything and everyone.
Spend some time alone in silence.
And in that silence, I will find peace.
"All miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone."
~ Pascal
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."~Franz Kafka
7.09.2005
I have held my destiny in my two hands and I am the shape I made. I have suffered and loved. I have walked through fire and did not burn. I've been blown by wind and did not fall. I've walked the long road and kept to my journey...
I have lost and found myself in every rock, field and tree. I know what I am and what I imagine. I know shadow and light, and I have never been satisfied with shelter and bread when the great was left unattained.
~extracts from Awakening Osiris
Our lives are what we create them to be. So whatever I have in my life, right now, whether it is good or bad, I am responsible for having created it. I cannot move forward and create something better without first acknowledging my responsibility for what is right now.
The recent past has held a lot of disappointment... both in myself and in those I am close to. But it is time to rise above and conquer... To leave the wake behind and look ahead. It is a constant battle, a challenge of spirit to rise to the test. Those who can rise to meet the challenge will ultimately succeed. Those who lie down and die... will die. There are no rocks to hide under. There are no shoulders to cry on. I am what I am. I have what I have. It is up to me to make the most of it. And be grateful. The key to true happiness is gratitude.
Make me sweet again,
Fragrant and fresh and wild,
And thankful for any small event.
-Rumi
6.28.2005
I'm trying to laugh, but I'm still not there yet. It's not quite a real laugh. Some days everything seems like it is going to be okay. Other days, it seems like it will never be okay.
When you have a hole in your soul, people just expect you to act normal. It's business as usual. "Let's keep the sales up." "Mom, what's for dinner?", "Can you drive me to Burbank?". If the hole were a physical hole, they would rush you to the hospital and make sure you got the best of care. But holes in the soul don't seem to count. Right now I think I'd rather have a physical hole. It might hurt less. Better chance of recovery.
What I really need is to go far away for a long time. Not talk to anyone. Not see anyone. Just pure solitude. I need to lick my wounds and let them heal.
But for now, I guess I just have to try and laugh.
Somehow, we just didn't see it coming.
When you have a hole in your soul, people just expect you to act normal. It's business as usual. "Let's keep the sales up." "Mom, what's for dinner?", "Can you drive me to Burbank?". If the hole were a physical hole, they would rush you to the hospital and make sure you got the best of care. But holes in the soul don't seem to count. Right now I think I'd rather have a physical hole. It might hurt less. Better chance of recovery.
What I really need is to go far away for a long time. Not talk to anyone. Not see anyone. Just pure solitude. I need to lick my wounds and let them heal.
But for now, I guess I just have to try and laugh.
Somehow, we just didn't see it coming.
6.27.2005
Laughter is the best medicine for healing a broken heart. Get it all out with a good cry and then just laugh about it! Okay, it's easier said than done. But I've discovered that moping around just isn't cutting it. At some point, you have to put it all into perspective, right? Life is too short to just sit down and die. I can't control what other people do in my life, as much as I try to sometimes. But I can control my reactions to it. I have to rise above the pain and smile a real smile again. Laugh a real laugh.
I truly want to do the right thing. To be the right person. To make the right choices. As hard as knowing what those are. I have to trust that I will make the right choice when the time comes. Meanwhile, I have to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and just laugh about it all. We're all such idiots sometimes. Why do we make some of the stupid choices that we make? Why do we hang on to things when it is obvious to everyone around us that we are hanging on for naught? And egos. Life would be a cakewalk if it weren't for egos. Egos are what make us hang on to every little bad thing that anyone ever did to us. Egos get in the way of creating great relationships. And fear. Because of fear, we don't take chances. And if we don't take chances, we'll never know what may have been.
So here are a few jokes to get started on the right path. They are, quite possibly, some of the world's worst jokes, but hey, it's something. If you don't laugh, well, then you're probably normal! These are real groaners...
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Or my favorite...
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
I truly want to do the right thing. To be the right person. To make the right choices. As hard as knowing what those are. I have to trust that I will make the right choice when the time comes. Meanwhile, I have to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and just laugh about it all. We're all such idiots sometimes. Why do we make some of the stupid choices that we make? Why do we hang on to things when it is obvious to everyone around us that we are hanging on for naught? And egos. Life would be a cakewalk if it weren't for egos. Egos are what make us hang on to every little bad thing that anyone ever did to us. Egos get in the way of creating great relationships. And fear. Because of fear, we don't take chances. And if we don't take chances, we'll never know what may have been.
So here are a few jokes to get started on the right path. They are, quite possibly, some of the world's worst jokes, but hey, it's something. If you don't laugh, well, then you're probably normal! These are real groaners...
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Or my favorite...
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
6.25.2005
come up to meet you
tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i've set you apart
tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles
coming in tails
heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
i was just guessing
at numbers and figures
pulling the puzzles apart
questions of science
science and progress
They don't speak as loud as my heart.
oh, tell me you love me
come back and haunt me
oh when i rush to the start
running in circles
chasing tails
coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start
by Coldplay
Click here for a sample
tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i've set you apart
tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles
coming in tails
heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
i was just guessing
at numbers and figures
pulling the puzzles apart
questions of science
science and progress
They don't speak as loud as my heart.
oh, tell me you love me
come back and haunt me
oh when i rush to the start
running in circles
chasing tails
coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start
by Coldplay
Click here for a sample
Overwhelmed... is the only word to describe. Working 6-7 days per week. Unpacking boxes. Painting. Dealing with betrayal and a broken heart. Losing my best friend. And being a single mom. The stress of rebellious teenagers. Family coming to visit. Bills, bills and more bills. "But mom, you can handle it, you're strong." said my teenage daughter. Something about that phrase made me want to start screaming, and never stop. I don't want to be strong. I just want to cry. To crawl under a rock and die. To not have to fake smile. To not have to pretend that it's okay. It's not fucking okay. How many times can I say it? A thousand million times it's not okay.
Fuck being strong. I need someone else to be strong. I need someone else to hold me in their strong arms, and make it all okay. Someone to be insane about me. To choose me first this time and everytime. To be enraptured with "the whole" of me. (Some puns truly are unforgivable.) But there is nobody to do that.
Father, give me the strength. Help me to see the light again.
Fuck being strong. I need someone else to be strong. I need someone else to hold me in their strong arms, and make it all okay. Someone to be insane about me. To choose me first this time and everytime. To be enraptured with "the whole" of me. (Some puns truly are unforgivable.) But there is nobody to do that.
Father, give me the strength. Help me to see the light again.
6.22.2005
It's time to walk out of the cave, and into the light... Leave the darkness behind.
